At the turn of the New Year, after the hell that was my recovery from gallbladder surgery, I was convinced we needed to move back home.
At that point I had been an Indy-area resident for more than six years, and never did I feel more aware of the physical distance between us and our families. Luke's parents were wonderful and came several times throughout December from northwest Indiana, for days at a time, to help while I was in and out of the hospital, and it had to have taken a toll on them, all that driving, running after three kids under the age of four, and not being able to collapse in their own bed at the end of an exhausting day.
How different that experience would have been, I thought afterwards, if we were in closer proximity to our close relatives and friends. More people could have been available to help if all they had to do was relieve Luke for a few hours instead of going out of town, away from their jobs and kids and other responsibilities.
I was also convinced we would never find our groove here. Six years in and we still behaved like newcomers to the area. There were no dates because there were no baby-sitters, and there were no baby-sitters because we didn't have the money or the inclination to hire a stranger. And even when we had the support of the other, Luke and I were terrible about granting ourselves "me time" because it meant someone was getting the short end of the stick. I tried a book club for a few months before pulling out; the meet-ups were usually about 40 minutes from my house, and always during the week, so when I did go, I left the house around breakfast and came home after bedtime - missing the kids completely, which I hated, and forcing Luke to fly solo longer than he had to, after what was usually a hard day. I resigned from the volunteer board for Saint Joe after five years of service because the quarterly meetings were on Saturday and I couldn't bring myself to be out of the house for what amounted to the length of a sixth work day,
If we were near Chicago, I thought, Luke and I would have no shortage of free baby-sitters and longtime friends to hang out with, making it easier to prioritize the non-parenting aspect of our marriage. I wouldn't feel guilty about going to book club if I knew Luke's parents were coming over for dinner. Luke could go hiking and I could visit my sister with the kids, each of us recharging without feeling guilty.
I realize our struggles are prime candidates for a First World Problems hashtag, but they feel very real to parents raising families away from where they grew up. Building a support group from scratch is a tough job. You need confidence to put yourself out there and time to invest in new relationships - neither of which overfloweth when you have little kids. Not to mention I'm fiercely protective of my time outside of work and Luke has fewer opportunities during the day to connect with adults in a meaningful way.
Living in Indy felt a lot like forcing a round peg into a square hole. Weren't we going about this backwards? Why were we trying so hard to create the conditions we already had closer to home? Wouldn't it make more sense to just go back home?
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When I shared these issues with a friend a couple of years ago, she gave me an assignment frequently used in her training and development classes. She told me to make four lists about Indy and Chicago, only instead of measuring pros and cons, the focus was losses and gains.
What I Gain From Staying in Indy
What I Lose by Staying in Indy
What I Gain From Moving to Chicagoland
What I Lose by Moving to Chicagoland
"They tell different things," she said when I asked about the perceived redundancy of the categories. "Just give it a try."
On September 8, 2010, I took a legal-sized notepad and went to town. And while the lists were different, the key themes were clear: closeness to family and affordable cost of living.
The first time I made the list, cost of living won out. My company was doing very well, Luke and I thoroughly enjoyed having a parent at home, and we were both optimistic about our ability to travel more as Kara and Nathan got older. It's not like we were going to complicate things by having another baby or anything!
After my gallbladder fiasco, though, the tables quickly turned, and for the first time since Kara was a baby, Luke was willing to talk about moving.
Which essentially meant:
Chicagoland, here we come.
Ooh a cliffhanger! I'm especially interested in this one. You know we're in that weird "flux" year of figuring out whether or not we're staying put or going, so I'm eager to hear how you two made the decision to stay. I'll play along and start my own lists today. That's a pretty genius idea.
Also, holy crap, it's nice to read your blog every day!
Posted by: Jen L. | November 10, 2012 at 07:59 AM
Ha! After the last sentence the first thing out of my mouth was "Ooh a cliffhanger!" but that southerner beat me to it. Can't wait to hear how things have evolved over the last year. Bill and I have been in the opposite situation in the past~ wanting to pick up and get away from our families {I know, we're terrible people}. We love them but sometimes being in such close proximity complicates relationships. The babysitters and having the kids grow up close to their cousins get us every time though. That and Bill has great job security and flexibility and those are so important with little ones. All this to say...I really get why this has been such a rollercoaster decision for you guys. Can't wait to read more!
Posted by: rkmama | November 10, 2012 at 10:37 AM
These life decisions can be tricky. We miss that you do not live close; but on the other hand, you are not that far away.
Posted by: Grandma Molly | November 10, 2012 at 05:23 PM
Plus, babysitting our wonderful grandchildren is always a pleasure and not very taxing as they are so well-behaved.
Posted by: Grandma Molly | November 11, 2012 at 07:24 AM
Really enjoying you posting often! We're in suspense now!!
Posted by: Christin | November 13, 2012 at 09:40 PM