What are you looking at?

Year in review

In corporate America, first quarter is the time to look back on the last 12 months and project what you hope to achieve in the coming year. Recently, I've not done a great job documenting my personal post-ball-drop reflections, but I want to be more intentional with 2017, and since the business world is still closing out the year, why not me? I'm a grown-up woman, I do what I want.

Note to self: Ship the content. Done is better than perfect. The 10-minute walk you take is better than the three miles you never run. Just do it. Etc. 

See also: Unpublished drafts of "2015 in Review" and "2016 in Review."

Key milestones and insights

Women's March

For most of my life, I've shied away from politics. The landscape is so complex, and the dialogue often so polarizing, that I felt too uneducated and frankly, too intimidated, to join the conversation. To say I've progressed by leaps and bounds would be a gross understatement, but I was compelled to attend the women's rally in Indianapolis last year, and the experience touched my heart. I didn't agree with every sign that I saw or speaker I heard, but I was moved by the demonstrations of unity and vowed to do better in using my voice. For me, this has meant calling legislators for the first time, widening my news sources and simply being open to this uncomfortable process. Others are much further along, but that's OK. Baby steps.

Courage over comfort today! #WomensRallyIndy @StateofKate pic.twitter.com/8cxakBlpim

— Bree Dunscombe (@mrsfrema) January 22, 2017

Saint Joe fundraiser + closing

On Feb. 3, 2017, I along with thousands of other Puma faculty, staff, students and alumni were shocked to learn that our beloved Saint Joseph's College was closing in May due to nearly $30 million in debt. Saint Joe and the city of Rensselaer represent all kinds of home to me. I made lifelong friends there, lured my sister Samantha to attend school with me in the cornfields of northern Indiana, bought Luke, and took my first professional job after graduation. I was on staff when Saint Joe launched the branding campaign that led to our marketing refresh and "Involved for Life" tagline. I couldn't let it go without a fight. So I along with two other Indy-area alumni answered the call to host a fundraiser in March, in conjunction with events throughout the Midwest, in an effort to generate enough dollars that the college could stay open and assemble a long-term viability plan.

The chances of raising enough funds to keep the school going were slim at best, and our alumni association (now a separate entity from the college) returned all donations when we didn't meet our goal, but it felt so good to invest my time and money in a cause that was so important to me. Planning the event, working alongside other alums, soliciting prizes, sharing stories. It would have been easy to turn my eyes from the daunting task of raising so much money. It was an impossible situation, and emotions were running high. But there was so much support, even from friends without an SJC diploma (Jen, Raquel, Alyssa, thank you!). I'm so glad I said yes.

In April, I attended the last Little 500 go-kart race with one of my dearest friends. Here, Maura and I memorialize Saint Joe's signage on I-65:

And here we stand with our beloved English professor, John Groppe, who was quoted in the Indianapolis Monthly story I linked to above. John Groppe is the reason my Frema nickname exists! I left him a voicemail one day my sophomore year, to let him know I wanted to interview for the part-time secretary position he was trying to fill. I left my name, Bree Ma'Ayteh, and walked to his office. In person, John said he would be happy to interview me, but first he had to speak with someone named Frema, who was also interested. It wasn't long before we realized that Frema ("Bree Ma...") was me! I'm holding his latest poetry collection.

Auntie Donna

On July 30, my wonderful Auntie Donna passed away at 52 years old from a years-long battle with cancer -- just hours before her namesake, my youngest sister, gave birth to my sweet nephew Benny. Auntie Donna had a long, hard road for many years, but what a blessing that she wasn't alone. She lived with Samantha and her family for almost two years, and in her last months required constant care. I was so blessed to spend a few long weekends last summer in Chicago, stepping in briefly to help with hospice nurses and medication schedules.

When I was nine years old, my parents bought a two-story apartment; our family took the top floor, and Nana (my mother's mother) and Auntie Donna took the second. She wasn't on the peripherals of my life, but front and center.

She let me tag along on errands in her sweet Cavalier, and when I was 17 let me use it to take my driver's test (no coincidence that my first car purchase was a sweet Cavalier). She shared openly about her path to sobriety, hugged me while I cried over boyfriends, answered my questions frankly, and always had unshakeable faith in me. We were only in touch at family gatherings as I moved away, got married and had kids, so this time with her was truly a gift from God.

I've lost people who I loved with all my heart, but I was far removed from their actual deaths. Phone calls to Indiana when I was either in school or beginning my career, potentially months since my last trip home, with either no chance to say good-bye or a short "last" visit in the hospital. This was my first time sitting in the stillness of someone who was starting to die. To meet her eyes and rub lotion on her hands, have short conversations as she was able, or just poke my head in her room to make sure she was still breathing. It was intimate and horrifying and one of the most sacred things I've ever done.

In no way am I trying to inflate my part in this process. I was half a puzzle piece, substituting for much larger pieces, and Samantha was the frame holding everything together with such strength and grace. But our society isn't good at holding space for grief or sadness, and this was the first time I held it in a such a deep, prolonged way, and I want to express how grateful I am for it, and that it was for my Auntie Donna, who is so very special to me.

"Check the Box Sunday"

I posted the message I delivered at church in September, but what I didn't touch on was the process of writing it. One of our pastors approached me in early June, and for the first two months I didn't write anything, just let myself be excited while the idea of it marinated in my brain. I thought about the Bible stories I would talk about, fun movie clips I could show (the congregation was thisclose to watching a scene from "The Lord of the Rings"), and when I let myself get really carried away, I imagined that everything in my spiritual journey over the last two years had been leading up to this one sermon, and I really needed to knock it out of the park, to the point that everyone would hear me and think, "Wow, why isn't Bree up here talking to us every week?"

Truly the picture of holiness, I know.

And then I actually started writing, and of course none of my ideas were panning out like I wanted them to. At the end of August, I had a respectable draft that was an appropriate length and biblically sound. But it didn't feel like me because, for one thing, I wasn't trying to be like me, or even giving God a chance to work through me. I was imitating my pastors and falling short. Secondly, I was trying to give a message that was "finished" -- a story with a definite ending, like the last chapter in a book, because it felt like I should be far enough along in my faith life that I can tell those kinds of stories. It was hard to admit that I was (and remain) in the messy middle. But once I did, it got easier.

On the big day, I was ready to cry from nervousness (What? Bree never cries), but once it was over I was ready to do it again. How lucky I was, too, to have so many people cheering me on. Luke, my mother- and father-in-law, my sister Samantha, and my dear friend Jen and her family came to see me, and several loved ones watched online. And my church family was so gracious. Thank you, God.

Therapy, take two

I'm grateful for my first stint with counseling because it allowed me to catch a glimpse of its value. But I wasn't comfortable with my therapist and ended our sessions after my free six weeks were up (muchas gracias, Employee Assistance Program). The week after Thanksgiving, I tried a new therapist, and WHOA. Fit makes such a difference! We meet twice a month for an hour, and in between I am Doing The Work. Sometimes I fight The Work, or push it to the bottom of the pile, or feel like I'm above The Work. I feel like I'm missing the mark more than half the time. But this therapist can handle my sense of humor and ugly sobbing without missing a beat. She asks good questions and helps me make connections that I haven't noticed on my own.

I have a long road ahead, but now the right person is on the road with me, and that's something.

Me, practicing positive affirmations:

But also...

There were so many things to be happy about last year:

• Completing my second and third half-marathons, eight years after my first running of the Mini. Thank you, Jo Lynn and Jen, for being my race buddies!
  
• Finally finishing my Brene Brown online course.
• Diving into spring and fall soccer with Nathan for the first time.
• Taking Kara to see "A Christmas Carol" at Indy's local theater.
• Our baby starting kindergarten.
  
• Welcoming an actual baby into our family, my sweet nephew Benny.
• Finishing a "Jesus in the Gospels" study at my church -- definitely one of the bright spots of my year.
• Falling into the PBS British Telly Club rabbit hole. AND I'M NOT GOING BACK.
• Also falling into the gaming rabbit hole. Luke's and my level of intensity isn't so high that we're role-playing D&D, but it's not so low that I wouldn't consider it. It's a slippery slope, is what I'm saying.
• Our summer vacation in southeast Michigan, where we ate ice cream every day.
  
• Seeing Jen Hatmaker and Nichole Nordeman during the Indy leg of their Moxie Matters tour.
• Visiting Boston in the fall with my dear PR and corp comm friends to eat great food, enjoy a haunted bus tour, and oh yes, attend an industry conference.

Thank you, 2017.

2018, I'm coming for you.

Living brave in 2016

Hello, Internet friends! I'll have you know that I started a post (though not this one) on New Year's Eve, around the same time I unveiled my latest blog banner:

The minute my coffee cup stained this notebook last year, I knew--KNEW--it had to find a way on my blog. Genius, I am!

But then my stamina tapered off and life got in the way, until last week I was breezing into church and grabbing the bulletin and ... huh. Well played, Jesus:

So here we are, together again. It's so good to see you.

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The reason I'm excited to write tonight (last night) is that I just today (yesterday, hello, 1:21 a.m.!) finished week one of Brené Brown's inaugural Living Brave semester, where 15,000 devotees from more than 60 countries are rolling up our sleeves and exploring what it means to show up, be seen and live brave in every aspect of our lives. For the first six weeks, we're tackling Daring Greatly, which I first read near the end of 2014 and never fully recovered from, the insights and implications were that overwhelming. It wasn't what I learned about myself that was so paralyzing; it was more about understanding what I didn't know and not being ready to figure it out. Plus, 2015 was another tough work year, some of it my own doing, some not, and I was too wrapped up in my immediate problems to surrender to long-term emotional work. Luckily, I'm in a better place now, but even if I wasn't, this class is just something I need to do. It's time to look in the mirror for longer glances, write down what I see (what I'm looking at) (DO YOU SEE WHAT I DID THERE) and make the changes I need to truly be "all in" in my life.

No pressure!

This week's most challenging exercise was to identify two core values that serve as your true North above all else. It was a huge struggle to work through a massive list of perfectly good and meaningful concepts in order to get to two. I mean, who doesn't claim love as a core value? Or compassion? Or integrity? But eventually I did whittle it down (cheating a bit to include a third), and once I did, oh man, what a sense of peace. I could easily see how all the values that define my being map to these three:

FAITH

Behaviors: Praying, reading the Bible, going to church, letting go of certainty, gratitude journaling, taking Bible studies, and service/volunteering

Brings to my life: Sense of purpose, belonging, grace, meaning, gratitude, integrity, optimism, kindness, joy, forgiveness (myself and others), and compassion

GRIT (aka I can do hard things)

Behaviors: Trying new things, trying again, not giving up, finishing/shipping my work, believing in myself and my ability to do hard things, setting boundaries and prioritizing to make sure I'm doing the right things at the right time, self care like exercising, eating right and getting enough sleep, forgiving myself when I make a mistake

Brings to my life: Achievement, balance, courage, forgiveness (myself and others), growth, making a difference, perseverance, risk-taking, resourcefulness, success, leadership, learning, initiative, teamwork, self-respect, creativity (writing and art) and innovation

Side note: Brigid Schulte talks about grit in her book Overwhelmed, and the word has stayed with me since I read about it last summer. Pulling grit out of my back pocket during the values exercise was a eureka moment; perseverance is similar but doesn't feel as proactive.

FAMILY

Behaviors: Living on one income, saying no to travel in my career, playing with the kids, making crafts, reading and praying together at bedtime, taking Kara to Girl Scouts and Nathan to piano, volunteering in the kids' classroom and for field trips, date nights with Luke, taking family vacations

Brings to my life: Gratitude, balance, patience, creativity, sense of adventure, LOVE, time, leisure, simplicity, and kindness

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On Twitter, I called this process obvious, eye-opening and comforting. It's also been inspiring. I hope to share more of this journey with all of you. Cheers!

And when the seasons change again, I will, too

Over the weekend, I went to Chicago to visit my high school building one last time. It'll be a K-12 magnet school come fall. Samantha and I went together. It was bittersweet.

We ran through the halls taking photos everywhere we could. Classrooms, locker rooms, library, cafeteria, and especially the theater where I spent a large chunk of my teenage years. We poked around backstage and found hundreds of scribbles from thespians past, including ours. 

"Fiddler on the Roof" was my first musical. I remember being homebound with a cold the weekend before auditions my freshman year, begging my father to raid every Blockbuster on the south side for a VHS tape so I could walk through the story. I landed a spot in the chorus, and it changed my life. Through acting, I made friends, built confidence, scored a kiss or two (offstage, not on) and channeled my inner rock star.

Unbeknownst to me at the time, it's also how I met my brother-in-law. But Samantha knew. The green marker says "Samantha loves Dan 4ever."

This is Jason, who longtime readers may remember as my friend from Jerry Springer. Maria was an all-girls school, so technically he's not an alum, but he might as well be. He was in a gazillion of our plays. I met him during "Fiddler" and we were thick as thieves the next few years. These days he's busy CEOing and performing around the world, so our physical paths don't cross much, but when they do, we don't miss a beat. What a happy coincidence to be home at the same time.

Talking 'bout friends forever!

Thinking about high school, wearing those years on me like a blanket all weekend, it's been hard not to feel a little sad. How can they be so far away? And why are they so easy to slip back on?

I have wonderful memories of being a teenager. I remember first kisses, senior prom, summer jobs, creative writing endeavors and all-nighters with friends as vividly as my wedding and my children's births. But I remember the hard times, too. Clinging to intimacy in relationships when all else failed; waiting for phone calls and first moves that never happened; feeling heartsick and trapped, overwhelmed by emotions for guys, peers, my parents and God. It's gutting to lose faith in someone, or fight for independence and lose, and feel so damn stuck.

Memories, like the corners of my mind...

The reunion also served as a catalyst for reflecting on 'lil Frema's goals and dreams and asking how the grown-up version measures up. At 18, the sky was the limit.

I'm not sure how I was going to afford my "fancy downtown apartment" or "cute little zippy thing" on a campus minister's salary. Prob'ly with the sales of my Great American Novel, which didn't earn a mention in my autobiographical pages but was echoed in almost every classmate's inscription.

So, how am I doing?

Amazing husband. Beautiful children. Education and career. Health and a roof over my head. Some people spend their whole lives praying for a fraction of what I have. I wasn't evolved enough to ask for those things at 18, but believe you me, 'lil Frema, you sure as hell wanted them.

I'm okay with the campus minister gig not coming full circle and living my faith in a different way. I'm even okay that I haven't written my book (YET). But I am greedy. This life is wonderful, but it's not enough. I can feel in my bones I should be doing something bigger. Making waves somehow. That I'm capable of more.

But unlike reflecting on high school, this realization doesn't make me sad. Instead, I'm excited. I have a lot of work to do. It's time to cut the bullshit and dig my heels in.

Thanks to Brandi Carlile for the blog post title.

For anyone stuck in a terrible place between zero and one

There are 24 days left in the year, and I haven't started writing my book yet.

When I made my literary declaration on Facebook in August, I was still with my previous employer and doing pretty well in the work/life balance department - leaving the office at a respectable time, knowing when to clock more hours and when to manage expectations, keeping up with industry news, making time for Luke and the kids - all without wanting to pull my hair out. My 40-minute commute was longer than I wanted, but nothing's perfect, right?

I also had a clear idea for my book. A memoir in the vein of Haven Kimmel or David Sedaris with hints of Elizabeth Gilbert; stories about family, growing up, my relationship history and the lessons I've learned along the way. This is the book I cried over on my drive home this summer. This is the book I wanted to bring to life.

So what happened?

For one thing, I took a new job.

I was with my last company for seven years; I forgot how stressful it can be to start over. To adjust to a new environment, new people, new expectations - and a 50-minute commute. My coworkers are wonderful, and I enjoy all of the freedom of my last position, and this was absolutely the right decision for me and my family, and I AM SO, SO GRATEFUL. But still. There's no fast-forwarding through the newborn stages of major life transitions.

For another, I'm wavering on my book topic.

At first, the memoir was a no-brainer within reach; then, one night in October during a phone call with my mother, I had a change of heart.

My (pregnant) (!) sister Ryan was wrapping up a weeks-long stint in Chicago at the time, and her plan was to drive home to North Carolina just outside of Fort Bragg by herself with her two dogs. My mom didn't want Ryan making the trip alone, so she offered to ride along and fly solo back to Chi-town. For someone with a chronic aversion to travel, this was huge, but she was that worried about Ryan getting home safely. She also wanted to explore North Carolina, especially Cherry Point, where she lived with my father, Samantha and me for a few years while my dad was in the Marines. She wanted to see our old apartment building, walk through town and revisit some happy memories.

Listening to my mother reminisce about Cherry Point, picturing her as a young woman alone with two little girls while my dad was away, reminded me there's still a lot I don't know about my parents. Maybe I should be telling their story instead of mine.

So I started crying (I know, always with the crying) about a new book idea - interviewing my mom, dad and other members of my family to preserve pivotal moments in their lives. No pressure.

This morphed into:

Wow, that's a pretty tall order for just getting started. Maybe I should put the emotional stuff on hold and warm up the writing muscles with something fun. Tragic Love Friday part three, anyone?

And then:

Why start from scratch? Maybe I should take my best blog entries and repurpose them for a book, just like Carrie Bradshaw! If Carrie Bradshaw were a sporadic blogger in the Midwest instead of a high-profile sex columnist in NYC.

What if I choose the wrong book? What if it's bad? What if it's good and I don't know what to do with it when I'm done?

It would be so much easier not to want this.

Luckily, Ze Frank is here to help a sister out.

LET'S START THIS SHIT UP.

Why we stayed in Indy: part one of who knows

At the turn of the New Year, after the hell that was my recovery from gallbladder surgery, I was convinced we needed to move back home.

At that point I had been an Indy-area resident for more than six years, and never did I feel more aware of the physical distance between us and our families. Luke's parents were wonderful and came several times throughout December from northwest Indiana, for days at a time, to help while I was in and out of the hospital, and it had to have taken a toll on them, all that driving, running after three kids under the age of four, and not being able to collapse in their own bed at the end of an exhausting day. 

How different that experience would have been, I thought afterwards, if we were in closer proximity to our close relatives and friends. More people could have been available to help if all they had to do was relieve Luke for a few hours instead of going out of town, away from their jobs and kids and other responsibilities.

I was also convinced we would never find our groove here. Six years in and we still behaved like newcomers to the area. There were no dates because there were no baby-sitters, and there were no baby-sitters because we didn't have the money or the inclination to hire a stranger. And even when we had the support of the other, Luke and I were terrible about granting ourselves "me time" because it meant someone was getting the short end of the stick. I tried a book club for a few months before pulling out; the meet-ups were usually about 40 minutes from my house, and always during the week, so when I did go, I left the house around breakfast and came home after bedtime - missing the kids completely, which I hated, and forcing Luke to fly solo longer than he had to, after what was usually a hard day. I resigned from the volunteer board for Saint Joe after five years of service because the quarterly meetings were on Saturday and I couldn't bring myself to be out of the house for what amounted to the length of a sixth work day, 

If we were near Chicago, I thought, Luke and I would have no shortage of free baby-sitters and longtime friends to hang out with, making it easier to prioritize the non-parenting aspect of our marriage. I wouldn't feel guilty about going to book club if I knew Luke's parents were coming over for dinner. Luke could go hiking and I could visit my sister with the kids, each of us recharging without feeling guilty.

I realize our struggles are prime candidates for a First World Problems hashtag, but they feel very real to parents raising families away from where they grew up. Building a support group from scratch is a tough job. You need confidence to put yourself out there and time to invest in new relationships - neither of which overfloweth when you have little kids. Not to mention I'm fiercely protective of my time outside of work and Luke has fewer opportunities during the day to connect with adults in a meaningful way.

Living in Indy felt a lot like forcing a round peg into a square hole. Weren't we going about this backwards? Why were we trying so hard to create the conditions we already had closer to home? Wouldn't it make more sense to just go back home?

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When I shared these issues with a friend a couple of years ago, she gave me an assignment frequently used in her training and development classes. She told me to make four lists about Indy and Chicago, only instead of measuring pros and cons, the focus was losses and gains.

What I Gain From Staying in Indy

What I Lose by Staying in Indy

What I Gain From Moving to Chicagoland

What I Lose by Moving to Chicagoland

"They tell different things," she said when I asked about the perceived redundancy of the categories. "Just give it a try."

On September 8, 2010, I took a legal-sized notepad and went to town. And while the lists were different, the key themes were clear: closeness to family and affordable cost of living.

The first time I made the list, cost of living won out. My company was doing very well, Luke and I thoroughly enjoyed having a parent at home, and we were both optimistic about our ability to travel more as Kara and Nathan got older. It's not like we were going to complicate things by having another baby or anything!

After my gallbladder fiasco, though, the tables quickly turned, and for the first time since Kara was a baby, Luke was willing to talk about moving.

Which essentially meant:

Chicagoland, here we come.

Change I can believe in

If you live in the 1st District of Illinois, you could have voted for my dad yesterday. He was running for state senator (R).

Just like Bill Hendrickson, only for a different state and without all the polygamy.

His name wasn't on the ballot. Apparently, new laws in Illinois require candidates to collect a certain number of "valid" signatures by the primary election in order to be listed on the general ballot. In a blue state like Illinois, home of our newly re-elected president, this can be hard for Republicans to do. So, he was a write-in.

We are so very proud of him.

My dad has always been passionate about politics. I can't tell you how inspiring it was to watch him take this on just a couple of months before the primary, knowing he had a tough road ahead of him and yet rising to the task anyway, because he felt a calling and saw a need. I wasn't the only one leaping this year.

He was good-natured when we talked about it last night, joking about the number of votes he expected and sharing his plans to try again. I talked to my mom, too, and she said it was so cool to add her husband's name to the ballot. You could hear the beaming in her voice.

As a Hoosier, I wasn't much good to my dad at the polls yesterday, but the example he set certainly means something to me.

Then and now

Luke took this picture of me five years ago today, roughly three weeks after my baby shower for Kara.

CAN WE SAY OUCH.

This was taken at my sister Ryan's baby shower two days ago. My mom said the scarf made me look fancy.

I will now take questions from the audience

Tomorrow morning I will drive to Chicago for the second weekend in a row, leaving behind one amazing husband and three adorable children. The first trip was to go to an Open House for one of the partner schools I work for. This weekend, I get to be part of a baby shower for my sister Ryan. She and my brother-in-law are expecting their first baby in February - a girl! - and they're flying in from North Carolina so we can feed them cake and bombard them with presents. 

What's that I smell? A shower-themed photo essay for Day 3? You don't say.

Disclaimer: I very well may suck at NaBloPoMo. I might skip a few days or post quick one-liners better suited for Twitter. But that's okay. Work assignments aside, of course, I've been out of the creative writing habit for so long that I'll take all the progress I can get. That book isn't going to write itself, you know.

As Nike likes to say...

"Momma, you're not going to die."

We were all in the car when Nathan said this to me, returning home on a random Thursday from a photo shoot for our church's directory, and I couldn't have been taken more off-guard. Luke's grandmother passed away a few months ago, and since then we've had on-going conversations about death and what it means, but still, kids are masters at the element of surprise.

Luke and I shot glances at each other before I started talking about how everything that is born has a lifecycle, and lifecycles are different for each type of creature, and many people live a very long time and that I probably would, too, because in our family we work hard to stay safe and live in a healthy way. And hey, turtles can live to be over a hundred years old! And afterwards, we get to see God and Jesus in Heaven!

Nathan took my response under careful consideration. We pulled into the garage.

"Momma, I don't want to die."

I freed him from his carseat and hugged him to my chest.

"I don't, either," I replied. Then he ran into the house, asking for cookies.

Maybe - just maybe - I could've handled that better.

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The following Tuesday, I went in for my first mammogram.

I scheduled it after my last physical at the recommendation of my doctor, since two of my mother's sisters were diagnosed with breast cancer before menopause and apparently that is a big deal. One is in remission, thank goodness, and the other, my auntie Debbie, passed away six years ago (WOW) from complications ultimately related to brain cancer. Her daughter was only four when she received that diagnosis - the same age Kara is now.

The results of my mammogram came back normal, but MAN, talk about a reminder that life is short.

Life is short.

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One of my biggest shortcomings is my tendency to wait for inspiration, forgetting it's in the act of doing that we are inspired. For example:

Ever since I was a little girl, I've wanted to write a book. I cranked out tons of short stories in grade school and gave them to my teachers as presents. (Yes, 'lil Frema was quite adorable.) In seventh grade I tied for first place in the Chicago Young Authors Contest for a story about a hit-and-run, and got an A+ when I submitted THE VERY SAME STORY as a final writing assignment my senior year in high school. In eighth grade, more than half the messages in my autograph book ended with, "I can't wait to read your first book!" In high school I laid the groundwork for Tragic Love Friday with my two-part soap opera miniseries. I majored in English in college.

Today? No book.

I can offer a number of excuses as to why that is. I'm not as jazzed about creative writing as I used to be. Blogging satisfies my need to be published. I'm not sure what I want to say. I can't find the time. I'm scared.

But none of them are true except the last one, and that is not good enough.

So last week, I made a declaration to my peeps on Facebook.

I wasn't sure what I wanted to write - something non-fiction, probably, to put my inner monologue to good use - but that didn't matter. I would figure it out. Do it, and then you will be motivated to do it.

Everyone was so generous with encouragement and praise that I forgot about all the reasons I had for not doing it earlier.

And two days later, on my way home from work, driving in the pouring rain, Nelson on the radio, my idea just came to me. Themes and chapter titles were scrolling across my mind like the stock ticker on a news broadcast, and I just started crying.

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Shortly after my announcement on Facebook, one of my middle-school friends commented, "I've been waiting since 7th grade!"

Me, too.

We get by with a little help

While riding the gallbladder rollercoaster, I had a "come to Jesus" moment about how much people need each other during times of crisis and how difficult it can be to offer and accept help.

When I first saw the OB on the last Monday of November, it was after six hours of intense pain that had me crying harder than Sally Field after Shelby's funeral in Steel Magnolias. And yet? I drove myself to the appointment. Later that night, after five hours of lying on a gurney half-asleep from narcotic medication in the E.R., I proceeded to drive myself home. The painkillers were out of my system by then, so it's not like I was driving under the influence, but I was struggling to concentrate on the road. On the expressway. In the rain. The minute I reached my driveway, I sent fervent prayers of thanks to God that I made it home in one piece.

It did not have to be this way.

First of all, I was surrounded by coworkers who are kind and caring and would have been more than willing to take me to the hospital. Second, once I was at the E.R., I was in constant contact with Luke and my boss the whole time, and both of them would have dropped everything to be with me and make sure I was okay. But in typical oldest-child people-pleaser fashion, I didn't want to bother anyone. In the moment, I couldn't justify asking Luke to pack up three children under the age of four at two hours before midnight and subject them to a ninety-minute screamfest "just" to bring me home. I should've gone with Plan B - crashing at my boss's house the next town over, just fifteen minutes from the hospital - but I didn't want to impose or come off as a drama queen, even though I knew her offer was genuine. I could walk, yes? I wasn't seeing double? So long as I was able to do those two things, I figured I should take care of myself.

I can see now this was wrong of me, especially since it wasn't true. I didn't have to take care of myself. When someone reaches out to lighten your burden, let them. Don't make the decision for them or overshadow their kindness with your own trivial hang-ups. Isabel wrote a great post about this last year that has stayed with me ever since. Even Jesus had help carrying the Cross.

As it turned out, there would be another opportunity to accept help graciously, sooner than I expected. Not twenty-four hours later, I could barely sit up in bed, let alone drive a car. Luke and I had to admit that our family couldn't handle this alone.

The grandest gesture came from Luke's parents, who stayed at our house three to four days at a time two weeks in a row to lend a hand with the kids. Words cannot express how grateful we are for their willingness to put their own lives on hold and place our needs first, without any advance notice, and for spinning it in such a way that you could almost trick yourself into thinking they had the better end of the deal. ("We enjoy spending so much time with our grandchildren!") We received an outpouring of love and concern from other friends and family through phone calls, texts, e-mails, and Facebook, but it was Grandma and Grandpa D who proactively came to the rescue in the area we needed it most, even when it couldn't have been convenient for them.

Their act of selflessness has reminded me that I've not been nearly as generous with my own time. It's easy to make abstract statements when life is all sunshine and rainbows; it's much harder to follow through when hard times present themselves and a loved one calls your bluff. When you learn on a random Monday that your mother's favorite aunt, your late grandmother's sister, has passed away and the viewing is on Thursday, for example.

My mother didn't ask me to attend the service; I think she told me NOT to come, actually, since I was in my second trimester with Liam, and sick all the time, and Luke had a cold himself, and the funeral home was four hours away, and we didn't have the money for gas. She knew all that and didn't want us over extending ourselves. But I felt drawn to be there for her just the same and told her on Tuesday we would make every effort to come.

After a lot - A LOT - of discussion, though, and proposing a million different scenarios, Luke and I decided that we just couldn't do it. We were too sick. We were too broke.

I remember calling my mom to tell her about the change in plans and feeling like an absolute tool for letting her down, even though she couldn't have been more understanding. I felt terrible for not making her pain more of a priority. I asked myself again and again if my short-term issues trumped the long-term gravity of the situation, and what I would think of my response five years down the road.

I don't hold this up as an example of a time where I should have made a different choice - right now I don't regret the decision we made - but it paints a very real picture of the factors people take into account when responding to requests for support (direct or perceived), and how easy it can be to fall short. I acknowledge this was a perfect storm of circumstances where I happened to be physically,mentally, and financially tapped out, and that in the last few years I have busted ass to be present for some life-changing events for family and friends. Births. Deaths. Miscarriages. Missing siblings. Weddings. Baptisms. Birthdays. 

But there are also plenty of instances where I wish I would've stopped fretting over some perceived obstacle that seemed monumental at the time but in reality was more of a discomfort and just been there.

I hope to be there a lot more in 2012.

Ghost of Vacations Past: Part I

It should not be shocking to anyone that life changes drastically once you have kids, so much of my reality as a mother to young children is not that daunting to me. I'm okay changing or nixing evening plans to be present for Kara's and Nathan's bedtime (as a working mom who misses the bulk of daytime hours, this is insanely important to me). At our house, 6:30 a.m. wake-ups are to be expected, so I try not to gripe about it too much (though when my sister Ryan complained on Facebook over the weekend that her dogs wouldn't let her sleep past nine, I admit to dying a little inside). And Luke and I have accepted that with little family nearby and no discretionary money in our budget to hire a baby-sitter, date nights must be few and far between. We know many of these issues will iron themselves out over the next few years and that we just have to be patient until then.

One of the biggest parts of my pre-parenthood life that I DO miss, though? Vacationing.

A few weeks ago I was dusting some picture frames and came across a photo taken during a whitewater rafting trip back in 2003, and I realized that the majority of Luke's and my travels took place before I started blogging. Which means they are not documented here. Which means I spent more than two hours one night in late February sorting through photo albums and scanning low-res images onto my computer in the hopes that one day I would tell you all about them. And today is that day! Aren't you lucky?

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WHITEWATER RAFTING, HICO, WEST VIRGINIA (2002-2004)

Growing up, vacations were not a priority for my family, mainly because there wasn't enough money but also because my parents have never been comfortable sleeping away from home. So once I was on my own and able to make more strategic decisions as to how to spend my paycheck, I learned that I wanted to make travelling a bigger part of my life. My first trip came about in 2002 during my first year working for Saint Joe, when I was able to attend a whitewater rafting trip hosted by our alumni association so that I could cover it for the college's quarterly magazine. Since my expenses were paid for by Saint Joe, I was technically on the clock, and thus one could argue that this trip doesn't count as a vacation, but prior to this my only experience with whitewater was the clear stuff drizzling out of my shower nozzle, so, dudes. It totally counts.

We left for Hico, West Virginia, on the Friday before Labor Day and reached our hotel by dinnertime. Early the next day, we were bound for the New River, where the waves ranged in classification from 2 through 5 (2 being tame, 5 being more challenging). We spent a day and a half on the river total and were home late on Sunday.

And IT WAS AWESOME.

I'm not a strong swimmer, and I've never had fantasies about snorkeling or scuba-diving or any other activity that requires carting around a tank of oxygen to enjoy, but man, did I love rafting. This river was relatively calm, so it was a great introduction to the sport, and there were plenty of peaceful moments where I remember leaning back, holding onto my paddle, and thinking, I could sit like this forever. I got along great with all the alumni who attended, and we bonded over lunches of hot dogs and hamburgers grilled along the river's edge, and I never cared that my hair looked like crap. Again, AWESOME.

 

Here I am with my raftmates "surfing" a righteous pocket of whitewater on the New River. Clearly, I had not yet joined Weight Watchers.

I had so much fun that the following year, when our alumni director planned a second whitewater trip for Labor Day weekend, I couldn't say no. I paid my own way this time, though my boss chipped in a hundred bucks from her own pocket since she knew I would write another piece for the magazine, and I even sprung for my sister Samantha, a senior there at the time, to come with me. Luke has always been an outdoorsman at heart, and it didn't take any convincing to get him to join us.

We went back to West Virginia and used the same adventure company as before, but this time we spent our time wrestling the Lower Gauley. As you can see in the below picture (which was obviously taken by the rafting company), it was a little more challenging than the New River.

 

When rafting, the guides stress the importance of everyone doing their fair share of paddling if you want to stay afloat when hitting the more aggressive waves. This was the biggest wave we encountered on our entire trip, yet Samantha completely ignored the rules in favor of diving to the middle of the raft to keep from falling out. This picture hangs in my stairway and it is one of my favorites to this day.

With all that fun, though, it was such a rough Saturday that we skipped the half-day allotted for rafting on Sunday and stayed behind to walk the grounds of the drop-off site.

 

My sister was preparing to graduate, so I loved being able to have this time with her.

 

Meanwhile, after two years of dating, Luke and I had settled into a pretty nice rhythm. By this point we had gone on several overnights to various state parks in the area, but this was our first time doing anything Big. The whole time we were there, we couldn't stop ourselves from talking about coming back.

 

Last but not least, I was enjoying a healthier, lighter me, thanks to losing 17 pounds through Weight Watchers.

 

The Three Whitewater Musketeers.

Luke and I did go rafting one last time in 2004, again with Saint Joe, again on the Lower Gauley, again taking a pass on Sunday rafting to recover from the day before, our "recovery" involving a pretty steep hike round-trip to access a spot on the Gauley where most rafters and canoers get into trouble (aka flip over). Coincidentally, that was also the last year Saint Joe sponsored the trip, but in 2005 I had moved to Indianapolis, so I wouldn't have had the time or money to attend, anyway. Luke and I still talk about when we can go rafting again. What an amazing time.

LUKE'S 30TH BIRTHDAY SURPRISE, ANGOLA, INDIANA (2004)

I haven't been part of many surprise events, but the one I did orchestrate turned out to be one of the best vacations I've ever had. I was a new 24 with a steady paycheck and willingness to do something extra special for Luke's thirtieth birthday which, as many of you know, falls on Valentine's Day, so advance planning was critical to making the day a success.

His birthday fell on a Saturday that year, so on Friday morning I had a single rose in a vase delivered to his work, with instructions to go home, pack a bag filled with warm clothes and at least one nice outfit, and be outside his apartment by 10:30 a.m. Of course, weeks prior I had cleared this with his boss so that he wouldn't be surprised by Luke's cutting the day short.

We drove about three and a half hours from Rensselaer to Angola, Indiana, eventually parking in front of the Tulip Tree Inn.

 

Forgive the shit-poor film quality, as this picture was taken with a (gasp!) manual camera, and the prints didn't come out all that great to begin with, so scanning them in makes them look even worse.

Our room was adorable, so quaint and pretty, and while we had to share a bathroom with another couple down the hall, it was so, so worth it for the atmosphere.

 

That night we grabbed pizza in town and prepared for our big Saturday, which involved enjoying the toboggan run at Pokagon State Park. I had been tobogganing once as a kid and loved it, and Luke and I had talked about doing something like that several times in the past. The line was insanely long, so we only took a single run, but man, was it fun.

 

Afterwards, we had lunch at the park's inn and spent the afternoon hiking the trails.

The recent snowfall made for some tricky moments on stairs, but overall it was a wonderful few hours spent walking, talking, and indulging our playful side.

I included these photos in a do-it-yourself snowglobe as part of my Christmas present to Luke that year, but now it sits on my dresser among stacks of paperwork and unmated socks. Again, these are two of my favorite pictures ever, because of the memories they invoke.

After our hike, we drove back into town and walked some more of the downtown area, and eventually stopped for a break of hot chocolate (me) and coffee (him).

Another hour of talking and laughing. Our whole day was a conversation that I didn't want to end.

That night, we had dinner at The Hatchery, which was described by the owner of the Tulip Tree Inn as the nicest restaurant in town. My planning foresight involved making reservations on the same day I booked our room, more than a month before, and still we waited over an hour for a table, but again, so worth it. I don't remember what I had - probably steak and some form of potato - but Luke still raves about the bolognese sauce he had with his pasta dish. Our waiter was kind enough to snap our picture with my crappy camera.

After dinner we went back to our room and enjoyed some red wine. The following day, we drove to his parents' house in Merrillville, where his mom, dad, and brother were expecting us, and sang a hearty round of "Happy Birthday" around a cake made by Luke's mom while the birthday boy blew out his candles.

It was an absolutely perfect weekend, and another trip that gets talked about all the time.

I can't believe that was SEVEN YEARS AGO. What babies we were in our relationship, with so much ahead of us to navigate, and even more to learn about each other. And yet still, perfect.

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There are a couple more trips I have in mind to address in a future part two, but that involves digging through even more photo albums, so that may take awhile. If you want to read about some of our more recent adventures, though, check out:

Niagara Falls Honeymoon 2006 (couple of actual pictures here)
Indiana Dunes Camping Trip 2006
Mackinac Island Babymoon 2007
New Buffalo, Michigan Anniversary Weekend 2009

"Why are you selling the house?"

A couple of months ago, I wrote a post about revisiting major life choices, reflecting on the outcome, and wondering if I'd do it all again. I followed up a week later with the age-old question, "To live or not to live near your family?" My first entry for October talked about revamping our budget to accommodate new goals. And my last one highlighted our latest in a string of whirlwind weekends up north, with a good-natured jab at caffeine.

Put those macro-level concepts together and it's not hard to understand why we want to sell our house.

 

Luke with the kids at a nearby orchard earlier this month. All hail the beauty of a simple but meaningful day.

That is not to say that Luke and I have a carved-in-stone plan we are following or that we have any idea how this process will play out. We want to get closer to our families, but that could mean finding a place on the other side of town just as easily as it could translate into planting roots in one of their zip codes. And we are not willing to compromise the basic elements of our lives just to reduce the mileage on our cars: anyplace we live must be affordable on a one-income salary, have a solid school system (not five star, but pretty damn good), boast of parks, walking trails, and other forms of outdoor recreation, and be a managable commuting distance from my employer (whether my current one or another). We just have a new non-negotiable to add to the mix, and that is yes, reducing the mileage on our cars to spend more time with the people we love. No Impact Man would be proud.

We don't know what the future looks like, but we DO know that in order to get there, we can't stay as we are.

There are so many things to love about our current community. So much of what we are looking for is right in our backyard. I can access an entire trail system simply by hopping my fence. The integrity of the schools is without question. The town is quaint, easy to navigate, and cheap. But those things on their own are not enough to keep us here forever.

I long for the days when we could visit during a holiday and still crash in our own bed at night. I lament over missed time with friends because you can only call on so many people over the span of a weekend, and family touchpoints have always come first. I want to offer a shoulder and an ear more often in the literal sense than I'm able to now. I would love for Samantha to be able to call me on a random Saturday morning to watch Danny and Rosemary so that she and Dan can drool over tile. And Luke and I certainly wouldn't say no to the free baby-sitting likely to be offered in return.

These desires do not seem unreasonable to me.

Many people live away from their hometowns and do just fine seeing their parents at Easter, Thanksgiving, and Christmas. But Luke and I have never been those people, and it's time to start carving out a life that more honestly reflects our behavior. Our home is with each other and the kids, obviously, but as a wife, mother, and full-time employee, I appreciate the whole "It takes a village" mindset much more than I did as a single twenty-something grad student, that's for sure. And as a stay-at-home dad, Luke identifies with it on a different level even from me.

There are non-family issues at play here, too, of course. Like, our grocery stores are mostly filled with boxed, frozen, and/or imported items, with nary a Trader Joe's or Whole Foods or like-minded retailer in sight. Public transportation is limited and inefficient. Diversity is somewhat lacking, at least compared to a population like Chicago's. But I know that being a child of Chicago means I am setting the bar relatively high in that area.

Originally, the plan was to put the house on the market come spring; that plan has changed for reasons I can't share yet. But Luke and I are in agreement that, as soon as it's feasible, we will put our house on the market, and we will sell it, and we will rent an apartment near my job's new headquarters, and THEN we will be in a position to answer the questions that until now have been hypothetical at best. And I can't wait.

 

And fueled with only two pumpkin spice lattes

For my family, this was a weekend of celebrating.

On Friday, I took the day off so I could join in taking Kara to her first day of school.

 

All morning she was so excited to wear her backpack, hold her lunchbox, meet her teachers and friends. Meanwhile, Luke and I, pits in our stomachs, couldn't stop rambling about the importance of telling her teachers when she needed to have potty time. Because she is wearing big-girl underwear now. Because she really is no longer a baby.

 

Posing for Luke's "First Day" shot, relying on a confused sense of direction.

 

Okay, that's REALLY the wrong direction, honey.

 

Luke and I were 20 minutes early for drop-off, so we hung out and read stories and snapped pictures in the hallway to kill time, OMG, what great big newbie nerds we are.

 

Kara, on the other hand, was a champ, with not a nervous bone to be found anywhere. No sooner did the classroom door open than she was running to the activity table, checking out the toys, and overall forgetting she'd left two anxious parents eating her dust. I was so happy we could make this happen for her, and so grateful she could adjust that quickly, but those warm feelings weren't enough to keep me from sobbing on my way back to the Outlander.

And she continued to do well, and even came home with a glowing first progress report. "Kara settled quickly," stated the templated letter, our hearts swelling with pride over all the affirmative check marks. "Kara was friendly." "Kara did have a snack and juice."

That's our girl.

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Later that evening we attended our third wedding reception in four weeks, this time for my high school best friend. Can you believe this was the first one where I thought to take a picture?

 

It has been...interesting, to say the least, making time in our schedules to enjoy a meal in honor of our friends embracing the sentiment of life-long commitment. There have been hiccups, to be sure. But I don't regret a minute of it. If anything, I wish I could have done more.

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On Saturday, we drove to Chicago to be with my dad on his 50th birthday. When you're eight years old daydreaming about Fred Savage, fifty sounds old and decrepit. When you're thirty and planning for retirement? Not so much. From 'lil Frema, deepest apologies.

 

My father and mother have had a difficult year, taking on leadership roles at the local American Legion, caring for my dying grandfather who's been diagnosed with Alzheimer's and dementia, my dad continuing to put in time as a firefighter and independent contractor. Despite the ups and downs, he will always be the hardest-working man I know, carrying the heaviest weight on his shoulders. It was good to see him (them) smile.

I also scored some quality time with my sweet little niece, most of it spent on my parents' couch, just breathing her in.

 

Kara was enamored with her, too, and rejuvenated my fantasy of giving her a sister so she could experience the type of bond I've been lucky enough to enjoy since before I was two, times three.

 

Kara totally getting the phrase "so adorable I could eat her up" and in fact coming close several times.

 

Nathan and Danny could have cared less about the joys of female cousinhood, focusing instead of the speed of matchbox cars as they travel along a windowsill. Sometimes I still can't believe they're just five months apart.

 

Nathan wearing the toddler equivalent of a lampshade to celebrate Grandpa's big 5-0.

 

The family resemblance is shining through, yes?

 

Three generations of women, one shared love. These are their stories. (Clunk clunk)

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Throughout the weekend we spent time with Grandma and Grandpa D, who consistently, graciously offer their home and baby-sitting services as one or both of us grown-ups bounce from rehearsal dinners to wedding receptions to birthing hospitals and the like. They are two of my children's favorite people, and it shows during every visit.

 

Testing Grandpa's hearing: "Come on, tell me what you REALLY think of Mickey Mouse Clubhouse."

 

Testing Grandma's tolerance level for literature pertaining to beetles, ants, and duck lice.

 

Kara and Nathan have the type of relationship with Luke's parents that everyone wants for their kids. Miles and Molly send postcards to the children that say, "Feel better soon" or "We thought you would like to see this frog near our pond." Their house is always stocked with macaroni noodles, fishie crackers, and sidewalk chalk. They are intimately familiar with their hobbies and bedtime routines and the only ones I would trust completely to watch them for the weekend. And they are involved, joining us at the apple orchard, the zoo, and Thanksgiving, present for every baptism and birthday party. We are so lucky to have them in Kara's and Nathan's lives, and of course ours, too.

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I hope your weekend was equally awesome.

Made from love

This weekend, I held onto my sister's right leg as she delivered her second baby. 

 

Rosemary Lyn was born on Sunday, September 26, at 3:35 a.m. after five hours of active labor and 20 minutes of pushing. She weighed 7 lb 10 oz and measured 20 inches long. I'm itching to call her Rosey, but that nickname is still undergoing a stringent approval process with Management.

Samantha's labor began with the breaking of her water ten minutes after Luke and I crawled into the guest bed at his parents' house, having decided to make the three-and-a-half-hour trek back home the following morning despite the fact that my sister was overdue and I was scheduled to be in the room with her, to preserve the kids' routines and health and everyone's sanity, all of which can easily break down when you're spending weekend after weekend away from home. Ten minutes after giving in to a wah wah wah fest over everything from the flat we encountered on the way to Sarah and Leslie's wedding to the sixteen hundred dollars' worth of repairs made to that same car, including the purchase of four new tires, to the hundreds of miles we've logged on our hatchback this month, not to mention the gas money and utter exhaustion, with October looking no better for the wear. THAT is when Dan called to tell us that Samantha's water had broken and they were on their way to the hospital. Bless children for so easily putting life into perspective.

 

The proud papa.

 

Mother and daughter, happy and beautiful. My sister was amazing throughout the entire laboring process, working through contractions, bearing down when called for, and simply not giving up. She described it as a wonderful birth, and I am so grateful she got the chance to experience things differently from her son's delivery two years ago. No forceps, no episiotomy, just good old-fashioning pushing and a natural first-degree tear that took one stitch to fix. Mazel tov, truly.

 

It is amazing to me that I watched every part of this little person come into the world - head, shoulders, feet, placenta, all of it. I can't even say that about my own children. Literally, it took my breath away.

 

My placement in central Indiana often makes it difficult to participate in my family's life as fully as I would like, and there were several potential road blocks that could have prevented me from being there for my sister as well. But in the end I was there, and I can't thank God enough.

In which I (eventually) compare myself to Keanu Reeves

I'm not sure of the exact moment I started feeling better, but I'm pretty sure it was sometime after Luke's and my latest round of Scrabble, the beginning of which is captured below.

 

First person to use these words in a sentence wins the award for "Dirtiest Internet Mind." God help us all.

Anyway, I do feel better. My recent blog entries proved to be the content of some pretty interesting conversations between Luke and me, and for the first time in ages, I feel like we are moving forward in a specific way towards our future, as opposed to floundering like fish. For us, "moving forward" means:

• Being open to more children but closing the chapter on growing more babies in my uterus (on purpose, at least).
• Exploring opportunities to move closer to family but not ruling out a permanent stay in central Indiana.
• Investigating new career possibilities. 
• Remaining in this house until we know for sure where our next career paths will take us.

On the surface it reads like nothing's changed on a tactical level, and that may be true, but on a big-picture scale, this is huge. For so long it felt like I personally was operating from a black-and-white standpoint, where option A was all that and a bag of chips and option B was crippling devastation. Like, having another baby was the best (seemingly only, at the time) way to spice up our family dynamic, while settling down as a party of four without an option for more biological children would be like completing a jigsaw puzzle save for the most important piece. Moving back home would meet all of our needs for friendship and connectedness, and residing here would damn us to a life of isolation and misery. I felt pulled in conflicting directions and limited in my capacity to be the best version of myself, and it was affecting all the areas of my life.

Luckily, I have a very understanding husband who is willing to talk me through these middle-class, post-thirty sorts of crises. I also clocked a lot of driving time last weekend to attend a wedding shower up north, which gave me some time to reflect and ponder and dream. In the end, I was able to see more clearly that the grass on my side of the fence is growing just fine, thank you very much, albeit a little dry and brittle. But so what. I have a sprinkler. I can replenish my lawn.

(Your mom replenishes her lawn!)

(I'm back, baby!)

 

Kara's first night in her big girl bed this past Saturday. Two sets of smiles, only one crier.

Because I am still in a pensive mood and this is my blog so you have to listen to every word I say, let's elaborate. Take the issue of more children, which I not so subtly hinted at in my last entry. To three or not to three has been on my mind since we brought Nathan home from the hospital. Before then, Luke and I were both open to three. Afterwards, we weren't, at least for the first few months. And then, suddenly, I was. But Luke wasn't. Even after endless pestering and hypothesizing from me. (I know!) Eleven months ago, he STILL wasn't. And today: still, no.

And oh, did I fight this idea. I kept telling myself it was just a matter of time, that he needed to be away from the newborn stage long enough to miss it, that one day he would stand in the doorway with arms crossed and a tear in his eye as he observed the products of our love delight in each other's company, and he would bring me in for a hug and whisper, "Hell, what's one more, right?" And we would run upstairs right then and there to do the deed, giggling the whole time, and when we were done he'd lay his head on my stomach in anticipation of the life we had just created. Because that's probably what happened on an episode of Family Ties. Or maybe Growing Pains. That show was always the racier of the two.

But surprise! Life is not a 30-minute sitcom. Luke is not up for having another baby. The man's 36. I need to let him be done.

Plus, it's not even like he's saying no to more children. He's still interested in foster parenting and adoption for an out-of-diapers demographic as previously discussed, and pinky-swears he's not just saying this to appease me in the short term. But still, I wasn't ready to let go of baybee number three.

And as hard as it might be to believe, I did try. I told everyone, when asked, that we were finished with babies and Luke was going to get snipped and 13 months is an awfully close age gap and really it's better this way. But I never fully believed it.

And because he knows me so well, Luke didn't, either. So when I told him two Fridays ago that I wanted another baby, I could just have easily stated that the sky is blue. His reaction would have been the same.

"Okay."

"I'm not trying to change your mind," I said, and I meant it. "I just need to be honest about my feelings."

"Okay."

And yesterday, when I told him to start making calls for the snip, he said "okay" to that, too.

You guys. This is such a messy topic, how many kids to have, and not black-and-white at all. I think I was looking for the perfect answer that gives me complete peace. And I am finally trying to accept that such an answer does not exist for me. Would I welcome another baby? Yes. Would I be a loving mother to that baby? Yes. Would three babies/toddlers be an absolute blast? Yes. It would be wonderful.

 

Nathan, 18 months, 26.2 pounds, height already forgotten. Who wouldn't be up for another child when they come out this good-looking?

The stress would probably also kill me.

Not the run-of-the-mill "adding another person to the family" stress, but my specific circumstances. Being a working mom, for one, and coping with being separated from yet another infant for (at least) forty hours a week, while mourning the life of a stay-at-home mom and all the perks that go wth it, again. Being a person who is not instinctively patient, who benefits from regular doses of "me" time, who is doing her best to break unhealthy cycles decades in the making. None of these things would have kept me from having another baby, but it certainly would have made the experience ten times more frustrating. And in the process of accepting Luke's feelings, I need to acknowledge that in a lot of ways, this works out pretty well for me, too.

Same thing with where to live, and wanting an easy answer. Again last weekend, again for the zillionth time, I proposed the idea to Luke of moving closer to our families, and for the first time we actually had a productive dialogue about it, outlining what would need to be in place in order to make it happen. Later, on my own, I began to consider, maybe also for the first time, what we might lose if we stayed.

Another tough set of questions here. When it comes to family, how far is too far? Do I have it in me to forgo a "Wednesday night dinner" type of relationship with my parents, siblings, nieces and nephews, and friends during such formative years? Can I be just as useful and influential in their lives? On the flip side, how close is too close? Can I handle taking on a larger role of responsibility for issues I currently witness from the sidelines? Will I regret it if I don't?

Again, no black and white here. There is dark and light to everything. But at least I have the opportunity to ask the questions, make a choice, and follow it through. Not everyone is so lucky.

This new heightened sense of awareness has me feeling a little like Neo in The Matrix when he finally realizes the magnitude of his power and stops bullets with the simple raise of his hand. That's where I am now: paralyzing obstacles, discovering my potential. It's a good place to be.

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And now, photos.

 

I know the quality is poor, but I adore this shot of Kara and me at my company's "Bring Your Family to Work Day" a couple Fridays ago. People constantly call her my Mini-Me, and I just eat it up.

 

I'm also loving this one of me and my boy, with my jack-o-lantern grin and his piercing, dark-eyed stare. And the pout, of course, to die for.

 

We are making it, friends. I am making it. Thanks for hanging in there.
 

It's our birthday, get busy

Well, really it was only my birthday. Kara turned two three weeks ago, and Nathan won't be one until the end of the month, but we did have a joint party for them today, so it counts. Anyway, the celebration started yesterday, when I came upon my office to find pink streamers on the ceiling and a red feather boa taped to my door, courtesy of my coworkers.

 

Luke e-mailed the picture (and more, I'm told!) to my boss at her request two weeks ago. Thanks, honey.

 

Festive yet work-friendly.

The two biggest accomplishments of my twenties.

It was a great day. Luke and I decided to go with a pirate theme for the kids' party, which we loved. For Kara's first birthday, decorations never even crossed our minds, we were so frazzled (and broke) preparing for Nathan's arrival, but this year since we were doing two for the price of one, we figured the expense was worth it. We didn't get everything, mainly a banner, tablecoths, candles, and food and drink stuff, but it was just enough to make the house feel festive.

Luke and I originally wanted to get something to do with monkeys, since Kara and Nathan both love them with the passion of a thousand suns, but Party City didn't have monkeys. They did have Winnie the Pooh, Dora the Explorer, Spongebob Squarepants, Seasame Street, and The Little Mermaid. The kids are still too little to really care much, and we like pirates a whole lot, so there you go.

There was birthday cake:

And the eating of cake:

 

And lots of laughing with family and friends.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

  

 

 

 

 

 

 

I couldn't have asked for a better way to jumpstart my thirties. What a wonderful day.

(Up next: reflections on my twenties.)

Laboring, picturing, and a little deep thinking

I'm a huge fan of long car trips. This has less do to with the actual driving and more about the conversations Luke and I have as we pass miles of cornfields with two babies snoozing contentedly in the back seat. Anyway, there's been a lot of talk in our house about our next steps when it comes to housing, working, budgeting, family planning, and so on, so this was a perfect time to jump into those topics a little more in-depth. I don't want to derail from the actual point of this post, which is to share photos from our lovely three-day weekend, but I do want to plant some seeds for myself in terms of future entries. For now, I can tell you that:

• We want to move again before Kara starts kindergarten, if not sooner
• We need to meet our eight-month emergency fund goal first
• We want to take our first family vacation as a reward for meeting that goal
• The idea of moving back to the Chicago area isn't as strong as it once was
• The time to declutter our house (and our lives!) is now, baby
• Speaking of babies, I might be OK (again) with not getting pregnant again
• Adoption or foster parenting is on the table
• In keeping with our overall goal of putting our energies in the right place, we need to make a more concerted effort to spend time with the people we love most

That last bullet point serves as the perfect segue for the rest of this post, as Luke and I made a special trip up north to attend a joint birthday party for our very own Sock family's KJ and Marin. And we had a blast.

 

The birthday supastars, with a little Kara and Nathan profiling for good measure.

 

This picture documents at least two potential Christmas gifts for my kids. Not only were they mesmerized by the shiny red fire truck, which had Kara singing "Woo woo!" the entire afternoon (a throwback to Curious George and the Firefighters), they were also all over the miniature kitchen set. Nathan highly recommends the lettuce and the plates.

 

Meeting of the minds, right here.

 

Because Kara falls right in the middle of Jack and Marin, she has things in common with both of them. This weekend she was especially enamored with Jack, as he was able to run up and down the sidewalk and they could laugh their crazy heads off together.

 

Our babies.

 

Our hostess, who along with her husband was gracious enough to give their bedroom to us for the night.

 

The Three Stooges: Hoosier Edition.

 

One of the best group shots we could manage under the circumstances, with the circumstances being five children under seven and three under two. Bonus points to Marin for being the only one to actually make eye contact with the camera.

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After our overnight, we paid a visit to Luke's parents at their new house.

 

Grandma and Nathan showing off the landscaping.

 

Grandpa and Kara having their own meeting of the minds.

 

Nathan testing out the guest bedroom.

 

Kara receiving her first golf lesson of sorts.

 

Frameworthy. 

 

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And now, some random favorites of the kids from the last week or two.

 

Kara and Nathan love congregating around this end table. Nathan is still just small enough that he can sit straight up right underneath.

 

Luke took this shot of Kara, and she looks so sweet it makes me want to cry.

  

Nathan making his newest trademark expression, the duck face.

 

Kara took to her booster seat quickly; so quickly, in fact, that when she's hungry, she will climb inside and attempt to buckle herself in.

 

Nathan is still catching on to the whole solids thing--sometimes I think he forgets it's food we're giving him, not deadly poison--but he still manages to make a fantastic mess.

 

Doesn't Kara look so very adult here? Like she's taking her senior portrait for high school? Good God, my baby's in high school! Wah wah wah.

Hope you had a great weekend!

Freezing that frame

My newfound interest in training for a 5K has resulted in a few other areas of my life taking a backseat on this blog. Well, backseat no more! Here's what's been going on at casa de Frema.

 

My long-anticipated Tori Amos concert took place two Fridays ago at the Murat Theatre here in Indy, with my coworker watching my two sickish children and Luke coming along as my "more enthused than he was for Billy Joel and Elton John but not quite as excited as he would be for, say, They Might Be Giants" date. This was my third Tori concert and definitely the one I appreciated most, seeing as I become a more involved fan every year. I saw my first show as a college sophomore in the Chicagoland area and my second two years ago (again at the Murat) when I was hugely pregnant with Kara. I've loved Little Earthquakes and Under the Pink since high school, but for the rest of her albums my listening strategy has involved latching onto a handful of songs that don't leave me scratching my head or clinging to blankets in fear. For this concert, though, I revisited those older albums to get a better appreciation for them, and that made this setlist much more memorable for me. I recognized almost all of the songs instantly and felt more of a personal connection to ones I was already in love with. I even got a picture of her onstage with my work smartphone! But not so much with the successfulness.

 

I seriously considered live tweeting the show, but Luke just shook his head and gave me a look that said, "You could do that, yes, but then I would have to wear a paper bag over my head to avoid being associated with the likes of you," so out of respect for The Look I passed. However, I did tell him that for the next tour I want to attend more than one show, thus increasing the odds that I'll hear more of my favorite songs and also that I will embarrass myself in public.

For those of you who care (or even those just interested in checking out the "the Amos," as my sister Ryan likes to say, as if her music were a sexually transmitted disease), highlights for me included "Jamaica Inn," "Hotel," "Cooling," "Horses," "Strong Black Vine," "Raspberry Swirl," and "Big Wheel." In hindsight, "Gold Dust" during her solo set was haunting and beautiful, but I didn't know the song until after I reviewed the setlist and went back to the album version, so I appreciate it much more now. The title to this blog post comes from that song. You know, because of all the pictures.

</End of dorky concert recap, you are welcome> 

 

These children are mine, and they're spectacular. Albeit a little crazy.

 

Kara turned 20 months old yesterday, and Nathan is half-way through six months. She's talking, he's crawling, and they're both taking turns waking up in the middle of the night, which is just peachy for their father and me. I'll write a longer post about Kara's language development one of these days, but for now I'm just happy to say that she's finally starting to use speech as a way to articulate what she's thinking and what she wants. She likes to wash her stuffed animals in Nathan's old infant tub, and she can identify numbers one through ten as well as several letters, and she loves the books she got from her cousin about going pee-pee on the potty, and she sat in her brand-new booster seat for the first time this morning, and somebody hold me I am going to LOSE IT right here if I don't start talking about something else.

 

The last time we spent the night at Luke's parents house in July was the last time we would spend the night at that actual house, as they've purchased new property in a more secluded area in a neighboring town. Luke was brought home from the hospital to this house, so naturally he's sad about saying good-bye. I'm glad we have memories of Kara and Nathan here.

 

My nephew. How cute is Danny Jr.? Pretty damned cute, if you ask me. He officially turns one year old today, but his party was the day after our Tori Amos concert, and since the kids were still sick and even Luke himself wasn't feeling well, I made the drive to Chicago myself to shower him with presents and visit with everyone. I never get enough time with him, especially when both sides of his family are together, but I did get to feed him roast beef and potatoes and change a number two, and I was seriously happy to do both. Seriously.

 

Luke and I continue to drag our children to various family walks around town. The above picture was taken at "Circle the City" to raise funds for the Indianapolis Symphony Orchestra. Nathan has time of his life parading through the streets strapped to my chest, while poor Kara sulks over her closeness in proximity to butts, thighs, and ankles. Luckily there are free cookies at the end.

Here's a shot from the "Race Away from Domestic Violence" 5K that started at IUPUI's downtown campus. I walked the whole 5K with Nathan in tow, and yet my son is the one who got all dramatic and passed out before crossing the finish line. What a slacker, that one.

 

Again, Kara was less than impressed with the actual walk, but she made her own fun afterwards. Look, Daddy, a two! And a three! Holy crap, this is awesome.

 

At six months, Nathan can now be trusted to hold onto a lovey without his parents worrying that he'll use it as a possible suffocation device. If this isn't the cutest thing you've seen in ages, then wow, that is one black heart you've got there.

Closer to fine

I am seriously in awe of newish moms who are able to blog more than once every few weeks. Good Lord, where do you find the time? My intentions are good, but between changing diapers and doling out snacks and paying the bills and remembering to shower, this Web site always gets the short end of the stick until I can't take the dust anymore; then I pound out seventy million paragraphs that probably would have worked better as several concise entries but, well, this boot-camp phase of my life doesn't allow for such strategic blog posting. That said, just one day shy of Nathan's nine-week birthday, I feel like there's light at the end of the tunnel.

A lot's happened since I last wrote. For starters, thanks to a switch in formula and bottle type, we have a much happier boy on our hands. Nathan is still high maintenance in the sense that being held is not always enough to calm him, and he still spits up a lot more than Kara ever did, but he's no longer screaming for hours every day; in fact, he's finally starting to enjoy life, smiling at us, cooing at my over-the-top baby antics ("Hi there, handsome boy!"), showing interest in rattles and toys, even paying attention to some of Kara's books during our various marathon reading sessions. He's still not even close to sleeping through the night, though, and because Kara was clocking eight-hour stretches the night she turned six weeks old, this kind of sleep deprivation so far into the newborn phase is majorly kicking our asses. Luke and I are both well aware that hers was not typical baby behavior, and I don't want to be all about the comparisons, but dude. THIS FAMILY NEEDS SLEEP. GET WITH THE PROGRAM, SON.

The change in Nathan's temperament combined with the slow return of spring has encouraged us to get out with the kids more often. We bit the bullet and purchased a double stroller, a Graco Quattro Tour Duo to be exact, a stroller that sold me on the color scheme alone, but so far we've only used it a couple of times because damn, that thing is hard to navigate, and when Luke and I are both around, it makes more sense to pair one child with each adult rather than burden one of us with roughly thirty-eight pounds of baby weight.

But look! So pretty!

 

There's a short walking trail behind our subdivision that leads into an even fancier one, and now it's one of my favorite things about where we live, because no longer are we confined to loop in circles like we were at our apartment complex, and gone are the days of having to pack up and drive to another part of the city to stretch our legs. I think this will be key to me getting back into shape, as I'm too busy playing catch-up after work to commit to a gym and I'm just not motivated enough to join Weight Watchers again. Instead, I'm trying to maintain perspective, reminding myself that birthing two babies in two years is hard work, and my body needs longer than six weeks to heal.

You like how I casually slipped in that whole "Oh, yeah, I'm back at work" reference? Because yes. I am back at work. And if you think leaving one baby at home is hard, just try it with two.

I'm lucky, though, that the transition has been much smoother. I had an infinitely easier time finding transitional clothes to wear while I'm (half-heartedly) working on my fitness, and that's been a huge boost to my self-esteem. Last time I was trying to squeeze myself into tens and twelves and failing miserably, resulting in an Ugly Cry in one of Eddie Bauer's dressing rooms last year. This time around, I had a Reality sandwich and just got the size fourteens I needed to keep my muffin top squarely at bay. And do you know that even though I was smaller last year, I look much better now because I'm actually wearing clothes that fit, that are a smidge too big even, and when that happens, there is no muffin top? There are no unflattering bulges! Who knew? Once again, I wonder if I've been in denial about my true size all along. We'll see what happens as I start shedding these extra layers of skin.

Anyway, work. I went back on Tuesday, and while the days leading up to it were pretty stressful, it felt kind of nice to get back into the swing of things and start concentrating on my family's new version of normal. On the flip side, I never knew what to say when people asked if I was happy to be back, because no, actually, I wasn't happy, I was flipping out over how Luke would manage the needs of two babies without losing his damn mind, and I was missing my children something fierce, and I'm sure that was evident by the look on my face. When I pulled into our driveway a little after four (still doing the seven to three-thirty with only a half-hour for lunch), Luke and Kara were staring at me from her bedroom on the second floor, Kara waving her sweet little fingers off, and I ran in as fast as I could, scooped her in my arms, and promptly burst into tears. I did it again at seven-thirty, uttering a strangled, "It's bedtime already?" as Luke went to bring her upstairs. The other thing that's been hard is dividing my time between both Kara and Nathan, trying to give them each my undivided attention, but I fail almost every time because when I'm reading to Kara, Nathan's crying to be held and when I'm holding Nathan, Kara is running after me with a book in her hand. To combat this, I've decided to take back ownership of Kara's night-time routine, since Nathan goes to bed so much later and there's still plenty of time to hang out with him one-on-one before I hit the sack around midnight or later, depending on the timing of his bottle. I've been pestering Luke with talk of two-versus-three almost every day since we brought him home, and now that I'm back in the corporate grind, I'm imagining what it would feel like to timeshare with yet another child, wondering if that will be the proverbial nail in my reproductive coffin.

ANYWAY, now that we're finally living our new version of normal, I'm continuing to challenge myself to let go of the small stuff and focus on important things like spending time with Luke and the kids, improving my health, stealing some quality time with my pillow, and picking up the house during an episode of Lost. On hold are things like mopping floors, cleaning out closets, updating baby books, making out a will and trust (for all my bitching and moaning about this before Kara's birth, I still don't have this done), and repopulating our new phone book until Nathan has a more predictable sleep schedule and we all have a better handle on our routine. Until then, I'm just putting one foot in front of the other and doing the best I can with the precious time I do have. I'm also holding on to this new feeling of peace, because even though life is hella crazy right now, I really do have it all. A wonderful husband, beautiful children, well-paying job, a place to lay my head, food to put on my table. When I think about how blessed I am, it truly blows my mind.

 

Nathan: How did you people ever get along without me?

Frema: I don't know, son, but at least we were well rested.

I've said before that 2009 will be about finding a new balance for my family and maximizing our time together, and getting a better handle on our priorities also means we'll probably see a little less of our extended families; at the very least, we'll be mostly staying put and they'll be coming to us. While it was a lot of fun to see everyone so much last year, it also took a huge toll on us, and now that we're farther south than we were in the apartment, it takes three hours to get to Luke's parents' house and four to get to Chicago, and that's without even one bathroom break, which, HELLO, two babies, ain't no way THAT'S gonna happen. I refuse to piss away my remaining PTO with half days here and there so we can run around like chickens with our heads cut off, trying to cram a weekend's worth of diapers and clothes and toys into a gazillion duffel bags and listening to the kids whine in their car seats and attempting to time our breaks so that we can get everyone fed and changed in as few stops as possible and then come home on Sunday minutes before bedtime with no time to recharge before the upcoming week. Next year will be a different story, when both kids are off the bottle and sleeping through the night, but right now, it's just too hard. That said, this past weekend we did make the trip north to see everyone, seeing as I had added two weeks of vacation on top of the six weeks of paid leave generously granted by my employer, and I wanted to make them count. Plus, I was dying to introduce Nathan to my side of the family, as Dan, Samantha, and baby Danny were the only ones to meet him until then.

 

Here's Kara having a jolly good time in Luke's old backyard.

 

Daddy D, Kara, and Grandma before our drive to Chicago.

 

The majority of mi familia loca. Look at all those babies! If two of them weren't mine, I would totally be spiking a temperature. You know, because of the baby fever.

 

Me lovin' on my nephew Danny. The last couple of times Samantha and I have gotten our families together, our time was cut short by one medical emergency or another (remember Kara's party?), so this was the first time in a long time I was free to snuggle her baby. He looks so much like Samantha did when she was his age it's scary. So I was a little emotional.

 

One day they'll be knee-deep in snips of snails and puppy-dog tails, but for right now, Nathan and Danny are still working on forming their magical bond.

 

My nine-week-old family of four. I think we're gonna make it after all.

Let her eat (cup)cake

Despite the huge change we'll be experiencing in six weeks, things finally feel like they're becoming more manageable in the Frema-Useless Clutter household. Except for our bedroom (currently the latest catch-all room), our home is finally in order, my work load doesn't feel quite as overwhelming, and we are all set for Christmas. Hopefully this means you'll see me around here more often, because I really missing interacting with you all. And the house post I've been promising for thirty-seven years will go up after the New Year so it doesn't get lost in the holiday shuffle.

This past weekend, my family engaged in two noteworthy events, the first and most unexpected one being a visit from my sister Ryan and her husband Jason, who decided to fly in from Germany and surprise everyone for Christmas. Not only that, but they drove the three and a half hours it takes to get here from Chicago because they knew Luke and I were wanting to stay close to home. Even though we TOTALLy would have made the trip to see them because hello, GERMANY.

They showed up on our doorstep late in the morning and didn't leave until the evening. It was a wonderful visit, and especially nice to have them all to ourselves.

Since Jason's spent a lot of Kara's life on army duty in Iraq, she spent a lot of the visit sizing him up. Here you can see her weighing the pros and cons of remaining where she is or tackling her auntie.

Apparently, it was an easy choice.

 

Don't worry, Uncle Jason, Kara still loves you. See? She's totally letting you mack on her toys.

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The second event happened on Sunday, when Luke made a batch of banana cupcakes with cream cheese frosting (from scratch!) in honor of Kara's birthday. With five days of wellness under her belt, it was finally time for her to enjoy her first rite of passage as a one-year-old. The recipe for the cupcakes came from a homemade baby food cookbook Luke really likes, so now I'm almost glad her first major experience with sugar was something a little more healthful than the grocery-store cake we bought for her party. Not that there's anything wrong with ready-made goodness--if the task were up to me, I would've just gone back to Marsh. What can I say? June Cleaver's got nothing on me.

Anyway, at first, Kara was unimpressed.

 

This concoction is offensive to my delicate baby senses. I banish it from my sight forever! 

 

What's a girl supposed to do with this crap? Maybe there are instructions in the creamy white stuff?

 

You mean this is FOOD? Food I'm allowed to EAT? Why didn't you say so?

 

I don't care if there's frosting on my forehead, I must approach this substance with all the care my index and middle fingers can provide.

 

Say! I like green eggs and ham cupcakes! 

 

(Don't you feel like you're looking at a twenty-one-year-old who just had her first taste of beer?)

 

I'm saving some for later, and I'm putting it right HERE.

 

Where, oh, where is my squishy little baby? Perhaps this young girl can tell me.

 

Bloggers* in flight

* I can call us that because even though Luke hasn't posted since June, he still does have a blog, and Kara certainly held her own during my back-to-work hiatus, and it makes for a short and catchy title, and it's one fifty-seven in the morning as I sit to write this people, give me a break, will you?

I'm tired.

It feels like the last couple of weeks have been non-stop around here. My little family did make the looong trip to Chicago two weekends in a row, once to see my sister Ryan off to Germany, and once for my nephew Danny's baptism, though it was canceled at the last minute due to the poor little guy spitting up constantly and his pediatrician's recommendation that Samantha and Dan bring him to the hospital for observation. Thankfully, it appears to be a simple case of acid reflux to the -enth degree, but he gave his parents a little scare, nonetheless. So the weekends, not exactly a time for productivity.

Plus, work has been busy, and I had to play a lot of advance catch-up to be able to take the first part of this week off. Then there's the Web training seminar I'll be taking in Nashua, New Hampshire, next month, for which I'll be gone three nights, and the very idea of being away from Kara that long has me feeling much like I did in the days leading to my return to work in March. It's been suggested several times that I bring Luke and Kara with me, but between my tight schedule and our tight budget, it's not a good idea. I just have to wear my big-girl panties and resign myself to a good cry on the nights I should be putting her to bed.

And of course, in between work and family and trips up north has been our house, our blessed, wonderful, pain-in-the-ass house that is eating our money and sucking our will to live. To be fair, it's not so much the house itself as it is some of the contractors that have been dragging their feet (I'm looking at you, Cutting Edge Flooring). The last loose end should be tied up tomorrow, and then we can finally collect our spare keys and collapse in a sea of cardboard boxes and Tupperware bins that unfortunately won't unpack themselves. I'm so sad about leaving this apartment--this modest, two-bedroom apartment, where I held Kara to my chest and sobbed the night we came home from the hospital, where the two of us spent hours of my maternity leave snuggled on the couch while the snow fell outside, content to just sleep and breathe each other in--and yet, so excited about our new home, a home that will see a properly sized Christmas tree and stockings along the staircase (I just listened to our holiday playlist on iTunes, can you tell?) and the pitter-patter of little feet that my heart smiles just thinking about it. It's a bag of mixed emotions I've got going on here, but I'm hoping the joy wins out once we're settled in and I can revel in hammering nail holes wherever I damn well please.

All of this would explain why my contest winners have yet to receive their prizes, but rest assured, friends, they're coming soon to a mail box near you.

In the meantime, pictures! Good ole pictures. They're like the the pinch-hitters of blogging, when words are not enough (or just really boring).

 

Here are a couple from last weekend, aka Ryan's American farewell. She and Jason probably won't visit until sometime next fall, so we tried to soak up as much of her as we could. The sentiment seemed lost on Kara, though.

 

In this shot, the childbearing sisters attempt to show off their offspring while the offspring couldn't care less. Way to ruin a Kodak moment, kids.

 

How cute is my nephew? Let me count the ways.

   

Okay, one more, but really, how cute IS he? And can you believe that come February, this picture will be my life? GAAAAH.

 

Here, Kara and Grandma Dunscombe have a meeting of the minds.

 

Kara wants YOU to know about the awesomeness of Daddy D.

We weren't in Chicago long enough this past weekend to pull out the camera very much, but I did catch one of Kara and my mother in a full-fledged hands-and-knees face-off. Grandma seems determined to win, but she's no match for Kara's adorableness. That always trumps speed.

 

One of the rare instances in which Kara allows herself to be lulled to sleep by the sounds of the highway.

And now, seeing as it's three in the morning and Luke is already hauling miscellaneous crap to our car, I'm going to sign off, but not before I tease you with the promise of after pictures the minute AT&T says we can.  

Closing time

So. Today is closing day! The day Luke and I officially become homeowners for the first time in our lives. Final walk-through is at 2:30 p.m., closing is at 3:00, and of course we're still waiting to get final numbers from the bank for our cashier's check because why should we expect things to run smoothly?

I came into work this morning with a huge rock in my stomach (aside from Baby Brother), and as excited as we are to begin this new chapter of adulthood, Luke and I couldn't be more nervous. And because everything's happening so late in the afternoon, I'm not sure how we're going to celebrate. Maybe remove the "For Sale" sign in the front yard. Possibly go out to dinner because there's dried Rice-A-Roni on the stove from last night and Kara will need to eat shortly after we close and our apartment is a good forty minutes from our new pad. Continue to hash out paint colors and a schedule of what we can reasonably expect to accomplish before our October 28th move-in day. Originally the plan was to spend three weekends painting the entire house and the last weekend moving in, but my nephew Danny's baptism is now set for on October 26 and by the way, Ryan is moving to Germany to reunite with her army husband the weekend before that, and there's no way I'm missing out on my last chance to see her before spring. This leaves us only two working weekends left, so the NEW objective is to simply finish the second floor before the new carpet and bathroom tiles are installed later in the month.

Not that any of this makes me the slightest bit uneasy. Or crabby. Or hungry for a big bowl of spinach dip and a day in my pajamas.

It's overwhelming, how much there is to do before vacating our apartment; so overwhelming, in fact, that all I can do is think about October in small, manageable chunks. Call the flooring company. Price-check options for Internet, phone, and cable. (Yes, after more than three years of doing without, the Frema-Useless Clutter household just might hop on the cable bandwagon again.) (Also, I'm thinking not so much with the Comcast.) Buy primer and paint. Figure out when to paint. Figure out what to do with Kara. I would totally put her to work if she could walk more than five steps at a time. Also, if she could be trusted to keep her gums off the paintbrush.

(Actually, we do have some plans for Kara. A friend of mine from work who I knew from my Saint Joe days is going to come to the house and keep her company next Saturday so Luke and I can tackle the upstairs at the same time. Marissa heard about our baby-sitterless plight and actually volunteered to baby-sit. Hopefully this will be the beginning of a beautiful, paid friendship.)

In more uplifting news, did I tell you how much fun Kara is these days? Oh, wait, I guess I did. But I want to document it here, too, that my baby toddles and eats yogurt and "reads" her board books the right way and still has to play with my hair when I rock her to sleep. Luke and I are constantly looking at pictures from her newborn days and marveling over how much personality she's developed since then, how active she is, and how she loves us through each fumble. I would never categorize myself as patient, and I'm embarrassed to admit how damn frustrating parenthood is sometimes, but despite my shortcomings, Kara still scrambles to my arms when I come home each day. The biggest fear I had about being a working mom--that she wouldn't want me as much--has now reversed into my biggest obstacle, at least when trying to tackle my daily to-dos. She can't get enough of me. But I wouldn't want it any other way.

It's amazing to think that soon, there will be TWO little wonderfuls vying for my attention.

This was taken last Wednesday morning to document me at 20 weeks. Tomorrow I will be 21 weeks. Where is the time going?

Kara doesn't know, either.

It's mind-boggling, how much I love her.

If my uterus weren't already occupied, I would totally have baby fever

Meet my new nephew, Danny Jr., born August 18, 2008, at 5:28 p.m., weighing eight pounds and five ounces and measuring between 20 and 21 inches long.

Isn't he beautiful? The marks on his face are from the forceps, but Danny won't suffer any permanent damage. The nurse almost did, though, after telling Samantha, "At least you didn't have a c-section." Like a third-degree laceration is anything to write home about.

 

Mom and baby are doing just fine. I talked to Samantha yesterday, and she said, "He's so wonderful, I can't believe we get to take him home."

 

Of course, Dan is smitten with his namesake. See how much they look alike, already.

There's our Brooke! Much love, friend, for sharing the photos.

 

I've got Friday off so my little family can meet him. It can't come fast enough.

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P.S. We have a house! Visit my Parents blog for details. Pictures of the dreaded cabinets soon to follow.

In case you couldn't tell, I got a haircut, too

You don't mind an entry chock full of pictures, do you? Good. Because I am very tired and these images are the only reason I was motivated to post tonight.

Last week, Luke, Kara, and I spent four days up north visiting family, prompted by the fact that my new brother-in-law, Jason, was on a two-week leave from duty in Iraq, and not only did I have to miss his and Ryan's wedding (remember my Saint Joe scare?), he was deployed before Kara was born, so he still hadn't met his niece. We wasted no time getting them properly introduced.

Uncle Jason was happy to see Kara, though he admitted at one point, "I don't know what to do with her!" Here they are both looking to my mom for further instruction.

For our four nights away from home, we spent the first and last one at Luke's parents house and the middle two with Samantha and Dan. My sister is just over a week away from her due date, which just so happens to fall on the anniversary of her wedding. Little Danny Junior's arrival is eagerly anticipated by all.

(Here would be a great place to include Samantha's picture, except that I didn't take any. Bad big sister!)

Here's Luke reading to Kara one of the mornings we stayed with Samantha and Dan. I'm including it because Kara munching on her bunny's ear--the one that has helped her recover from a rough sleep patch these last couple of months--is way adorable, and it showcases one of her very favorite books: Gossie and Gertie, which is actually part of a Gossie-and-friends-type series. MY favorite is the one about BooBoo because it talks about burps, and what could be cuter then a story about a gosling who burps?

 

On Saturday morning, our little family stole away for a couple of hours and drove to Navy Pier. It was Kara's first time seeing Lake Michigan, and Luke and I had a blast strolling her down the boardwalk and giving her a view of the water. The Pier is one of my favorite Chicago landmarks, so it was probably natural that I felt a ping of sadness over not living closer and being able to see it any old time we wanted. Staying in Indianapolis is the best option for us right now, but part of me holds out for the chance of someday making the move to northwest Indiana, where the grass is green and the commuter trains are pretty.

Later that afternoon I attended a surprise baby shower for Molly (I know she'll be sharing pictures soon) (hint, hint, Molly), and while I was gone Luke and Kara hung out with my mom, who was ecstatic over having so much time with her granddaughter. There are some especially cute pictures over at Parents, where Kara's reading Grandma's face Helen Keller style and Grandma's teaching Kara this "so big!" move that she absolutely loved.

(Notice Kara's travel chair? It's a Chicco Caddy Hook-On Chair we can use at places where a high chair isn't available. It was thirty-five bucks and works like a charm, though Kara did cling to me for dear life the first couple of times she was in there.)

Kara likes the hustle and bustle of Chicago, but she also enjoys the quiet calm we experience when we visit Grandma and Grandpa Dunscombe. Also, Grandpa provides adequate lap space for naps.

The next day, before we headed out of town, we stopped to visit Molly and Jack. They were both excited to see Kara, because Molly has baby girl fever and Jack still gets a kick out of Kara's "Oopsie" video. I think they had a good time with each other, though Jack was not thrilled with Kara's tendency to drool on his toys.

Jack's like, "What are you doing with my bus, woman?" and Kara's like, "Boat?"

I don't know why innocent pictures like this make me want to joke about a future pairing, but they do, except then I get weirded out contemplating my baby daughter's potential love matches. Forgive me, Jack.

Molly and I juggling small children and fetuses (feti?) in utero. Neither of us expected to get knocked up with surprise babies this year, but who does? And anyway, there's nobody I'd rather freak out with.

-------

Now, the random stuff.

My Hoosier Momma shirt turned out to be too small, so my embarassment over wearing it can wait until next year. Maybe we'll just save it for bedtime.

It looks like the top three venue choices for BlogHer 2009 are Portland, Philadelphia, and St. Louis. I voted for St. Louis because it's closest in proximity to Indianapolis, but I would be way stoked to visit Philly again. I went there with Luke in 2004 to visit his best friend. We visited Old City and Valley Forge and took a ghost tour and all of it was awesome. Luke is actually encouraging me to sign up next year and even suggested that the four of us (!) could go together and turn part of the trip into a mini family vacation. I am so all over that; I really did have a great time last year. My only hang-up is my purpose for attending: my personal blog is often left to collect dust, so ads are definitely not a part of my near future, and sometimes it's difficult to keep up on the one I get paid for. Am I looking for larger readership? More freelance work? Or simply network (Amalah, for the love of God, PLEASE SAY YOU'RE GOING IN '09) and have a good time? Is that good enough?

I suppose it doesn't really matter. Luke's on board with my going, and I bring in enough money from blogging that attending a conference like this would be totally worth it. Count me in.

This week has been great to me, baby-wise. I entered my thirteenth week and experienced an energy surge that didn't come until closer to week eighteen with Kara, and my work unveiled a new maternity leave policy, effective immediately, that pays six weeks at one-hundred-percent salary. Words can't express the impact this will have on my life, but I make the attempt over at Parents.

On the housing front: Luke, Kara, and I will visit three more houses on Indy's south side. Wish us luck.

Lastly, Kara is just nine days away from turning eight months old and making the cutest "mamadadababa" babbles you've ever heard in your life. On Monday morning, Luke will take her in for her first professional photo shoot. I didn't realize how bummed I'd be over not being able to join them, but I'm already leaving early that day for an ob/gyn appointment, and things are too busy for me to take off the whole day. Where did the time go? When did my sweet baby girl go from this:

To this?

Hell if I know, but damn if she isn't the most beautiful person I've ever met.

Let Freedom Ring

There is a buzz in Indiana today as Hoosiers flock to the polls; apparently the idea of actually influencing the selection of a party candidate has us all atwitter, because according to the local paper, turnout is more indicative of a general election than a little ole primary.

I hit my polling station on the way to work, and as I parked my car, I realized that for the first time in my entire life, I was truly excited to vote. In fact, it wasn't until very recently that politics meant anything to me at all.

Growing up, the whole function of government seemed a mystery not unlike the Bermuda Triangle. Sure, I took the Constitution test in eighth grade (and passed, lest you deem me a complete moron), and it was interesting enough, but when it came time to apply those principles to the world around me, it was too overwhelming. Hell, I could barely get a handle on basic algebra--there was no way I felt smart enough to talk about the merits of those running for office. My parents are loyal Republicans, and I have memories of watching the news with them at dinnertime, my father complaining about Mayor Daley's latest crime against the Chicago Fire Department, my mother nodding her head in agreement, and I remember feeling slighted on their behalf, too young to do anything but pretend I understood. When I was eight years old, I distinctly remember asking my mom why she didn't like Michael Dukakis and her telling me he wanted to kill babies. Kill babies! I was horrified. Lil' Frema had visions of men in uniforms lined up against a concrete wall, cradling newborns in their arms, each waiting to rid the planet of their vast uselessness.

(And here I must tell you writing that last paragraph was really uncomfortable for me, and in no way do I maintain a cavalier attitude towards abortion, but I'm assuming you all can appreciate my attempt to liven up a hazy childhood memory with the humor that accompanies a child's literal interpretation of a statement way beyond her level of understanding. You got that, right? We're still friends? Good.)

That political naiveté stayed with me into early adulthood. The first time I was eligible to vote was during the 2000 presidential election, but I was attending school in Indiana, and my permanent residence was Illinois, and I didn't know enough about the issues (or care enough, if we're being honest) to request an absentee ballot at the time. I did vote in 2004, at which time I knew enough about politics to label myself a Democrat, but I was only slightly put off by the results, not emotionally invested in John Kerry by any means, and certainly not heartbroken over the outcome.

But now I am different. Now I am motivated by our current state of affairs to want better for my family--specifically, for Kara. Now I follow the news to learn more about the goings-on in my city and surf the Web to become more educated on which candidates best meet my criteria for local and national leadership. Luke and I are currently rooting for Barack Obama, so much so that we seriously considered attending one of his rallies last night, but having a four-month-old baby who wants to be fed and changed and entertained on her terms, not ours, was reason enough to stay home (read: go to Applebee's, where we didn't have to wait in line for two hours and beg for admittance). But we listened to several of his radio interviews, and we watched last month's debate, and we talk constantly about how inspired we are by his vision and his ability to stay gracious under fire.

Also, his winning smile. So dreamy!

 

I like Barack and I cannot lie.

But this post isn't about who I voted for or why (so please don't flame me for my opinion, I have a "Delete" button and I'm not afraid to use it). It's about my new appreciation for the way leaders are chosen in this country and how grateful I am to have a voice in the process. This morning, I almost teared up reflecting on how lucky we Americans are to be able to elect our commander-in-chief (however imperfect the process may be) and support our favorite without fear of repercussion.

And Kara is lucky, too, because finally, she has a mother who cares.

Jesus loves me this I know, for my baby slept during the entire composition of this entry

Holy crap, has it really been seven days since I posted here? I'd like to apologize for the lack of updates, but I always hate it when bloggers do that, like, do you think I've got nothing better to do than refresh your site? But then again, before Kara, I really didn't have anything better to do than refresh your site, and what the hell was going on in your life that you couldn't take five seconds out of your precious day to let me know you're still alive? You can appreciate the dilemma, no?

Anyway, things are going much better. In my last entry, I talked about how Kara had suddenly altered her schedule to accommodate less sleeping and more crying, to the point that her mother was crying because oh my God, if you aren't hungry and aren't wet and don't like your bouncy seat or transportable swing or the rocking chair or just bouncing around with Momma throughout the apartment, that's it, kid. There's nothing more I can do.

Now, though? I can take her restlessness in stride without taking it personally, and I've even figured out a few more things we can do together, like looking at blocks dressed in primary colors and reading picture books and paying more attention to tummy time. Don't get me wrong, half the time she fusses through those things, too, but there are moments in which I can see her actually paying attention, reaching for one of her blocks or following the duckie rattle with her eyes. She turned four weeks old yesterday, and I already feel like she's a completely different person from the one Luke and I brought home from the hospital. She's so much more expressive now, experimenting with various smirks and (gassy) smiles and working her hands together while she takes everything in. She also sleeps more predictably through the night, albeit in patches, but it's still enough that between ten and six I can hoard about five hours of sleep, which is more than enough for me to get through the day. This may sound silly, but I almost feel like the newborn stage is over, that she's already taking the appropriate steps to become her own little person and shift into some sort of routine. Time really is flying by.

Things on the pumping front are...almost nonexistent. My quality time with the Ameda is down to just once or twice a day, and I'm only producing embarrassingly tiny amounts of milk each time. I have a feeling that by the end of the week, Thelma and Louise will be all dried up and we'll be solely dependent on the makers of Similac and other formulas for Kara's nutrition. Oh, well. I'm proud that she received the benefits of breastmilk for four whole weeks and that I gave the whole boob thing my very best shot. Maybe my best wasn't as good as some of yours, but we all do what we can.

This past weekend was crazy for us, as we celebrated Kara's baptism at the Episcopal church we've been attending intermittently for the last year and my family was finally able to make it to Indianapolis and love on the baby. There was much chaos as Luke and I frantically tried to clean our apartment and get our daughter ready for her longest trip away from home. Sundy morning, we left the complex armed with individually packaged amounts of formula, two bottles of water, six diapers, two back-up outfits, a pacifier, and prayers to God that Kara would make it through the ceremony and luncheon without waking up the dead. And she did! She was a perfect angel, sleeping through almost the whole service and all of the pizza party we had afterwards. Auntie Samantha and Uncle Dan, her godparents, bought her a beautiful christening dress, and as Luke and I changed her into it minutes before Mass, I couldn't help but tear up because she looked so lovely and grown up and I was so proud of her for not pooping in her pretty new clothes. Also, she's not even a full month yet and already I'm losing my baby and thank you, God for blessing us with such a wonderful gift waaaaaah hiccup sob.

But enough from me. It's picture time! Hopefully they'll hold you all over until I'm able to post here again. (At least you've got my Parents blog to tide you over, though, right? In case you haven't been keeping up, I posted my birth story there. All four parts of it. You're quite welcome.)

(Also, thank you for the birthday wishes. My January 9th introduction to the ripe old age of 28 was marked with presents from Luke, wailing from the baby, and an episode of Deal or No Deal. I swear, NBC must've aired it just for me.)

I know I'm her mother, but honestly, this child is the most photogenic baby on the planet. For real.

Kara with three of the four members of the Lost A Sock family. No, Molly, you may not take her home.

Grandma and Grandpa Ma'Ayteh checking out their first grandbaby.

Auntie Samantha, Uncle Dan with Kara in tow, Momma, and Daddy. Now would be a good time to tell you that my sister is pregnant with her own bundle of joy, who's due in August. How awesome is that?! Everyone's got the baby fevah!

Kara getting smooshed by her fabulous aunties.

"I don't care what the law says, love is not limited by gender!" (Or: Kara with Uncle Geo and Uncle Dan.)

Look! Kara and Grandma Dunscombe match! Also, if I were just two inches taller, I totally could've captured the smile she flashed at Daddy D.

The guest of honor with her grandmas and grandpas. How lucky she is that all four are around to spoil her.

Kara giving that creepy girl from The Grudge a run for her money. Atta girl, sweetheart.

It's a wonderful life

All is well.

Since my last entry, an incredible sense of calm and well being has covered Luke and me like a blanket, which has made these last couple of days the best ones since Kara's birth. I'll tell you about it soon enough, but for now, all I want to do is revel in how blessed we are and how thankful I am for everything God has given us.

Most of the members of my family have been too sick to make the trip to Indy, so it was extra special that my sister Ryan drove in from Chicago to spend Christmas with us. Newly married and desperately missing her army husband, who's currently in Germany awaiting February deployment to Iraq, a little baby fix was just what she needed to get through the holiday.

As for my own spouse, I can't tell you how mesmerizing it is to watch him with our daughter. He's so gentle with Kara, so enamored with her, and I honestly don't know what I've done to deserve such unconditional love and support. This last week has been the most exhilerating and terrifying one of my life, and he's been right by my side the entire time, holding me when I cry and telling me what a good job I'm doing when he's not washing bottles, refilling my water glass, and reminding me to take my pain meds. I couldn't ask for a better life partner or a more loving father for my baby.

I look at these two people and wonder how I ever lived without them.

Merry Christmas.

The title of my next post will be original, I swear.

I don't think Samantha ever made it, either

At long last, it is here. The last day of NaBloPoMo.

I have to say, this year I disappointed myself. The first time around, I did a good job of writing about a variety of different things: sharing stories from my childhood, creating Tragic Love Friday, initiating the cheesy love song swap, blah blah blah. This year saw no such variety from me--it was pretty much all baby, all the time.

Then again, I'm about to have a baby. And that's what I think about. All the time. Surely you understand.

Today was one of my final days at the office, and even though I spent most of it cleaning out files and meeting with coworkers who'll be taking over my core duties while I'm on maternity leave, this whole experience still doesn't seem quite real. It reminds me of the years I spent in Girl Scouts when I was a kid, and every year our troupe visited a local pumpkin patch for a day of fright and fun. I'd never been to a pumpkin patch before, and the month leading up to the event I was always so excited I could wet myself.

(And sometimes I did.)

(Just kidding.)

Anyway, every year something happened that prevented me from going on the trip, and it was always my own fault. One time it was because I'd mouthed off to my mother the day before; the year after that, my sister and I were caught fighting in church THE MORNING OF. By the time I got my act together, I wasn't in Girl Scouts anymore. My pumpkin-patch ship had sailed.

Where am I going with all of this?

It's like the birth of this baby is some wonderful event being dangled in front of me like cheese to a mouse, an event so wonderful that it's too wonderful to actually come to fruition. Like I'm going to do something stupid--say, trip on a crack in the sidewalk or drop a coffee cup on my belly--and Freka will never be born. It's hard to comprehend that I will go into labor, that she will come out, that I will hold her in my arms and become a mother for the first time.

Her clothes are washed. Her room is ready. She has Christmas presents for her stocking and even one for under the tree. We've got enough newborn and size one diapers to last us the whole winter (or at least the first two weeks). What Luke and I don't have is a firm grasp on the notion that this baby, our baby, is actually coming.

But when she does? It'll be so much better than a romp through a pumpkin patch.

I wanna rock with you, baby

Seeing as this baby is just about three weeks away from her scheduled arrival, I've been starting to panic a bit over all the things Luke and I still have yet to do. My biggest priority of late: reupholstering the rocking chair my mother gave me years ago, the same rocking chair she used to lull me (and eventually my four siblings) to sleep. I can also remember being thirteen and sitting in this chair when my youngest sister, Donna, was born, pushing my feet against the carpet and moving in time with her breaths for hours.

To say this chair has special meaning to me is a gross understatement.

Another thing that can't be underestimated? The horridness of the fabric.

Here's the front, in all its mismatched-patterned glory:

The brown plaid is what initially covered the chair almost twenty-eight years ago. The questionable green-pink-blue concoction is thanks to my mom, who swears this once complimented the rest of our living room furniture. I wish I could believe her.

Here's the back:

I think we can all agree, it's time for a change.

For months, I've planned on doing this. I've had visions of reupholstering this precious childhood heirloom with a rich, creamy, neutral fabric, allowing the chair to match the decor of any room it might find itself in, which right now happens to be the baby's room. I knew it could be done--after all, my mother had the same itch herself once (probably in the mid-eighties, judging by her color choices). Her solution? Nail the fabric to the frame for the front and back and sew up the cushion. I figured I could do at least that much and didn't give it another thought until fall, when I realized this project wasn't going to complete itself.

The nails didn't seem like such a good idea then.

But staples! We could staple the fabric and thus avoid bludgeoning our fingers. Problem solved (read: problem shelved for another couple of months).

Which brings us to the present time.

Every weekend for the past three weeks, I've expressed to Luke my desire to PLEASE LET'S GET THIS CHAIR DONE, OH MY GOD, and every weekend it slips off the radar as we wash dishes, fold clothes, and make yet another mad dash to Babies R Us. Finally, this morning, I told him enough already. This baby, she could come any time she wants, and it would be more helpful to finish this off before I'm breathing through contractions on the way to the hospital.

This afternoon Luke removed the second layer of fabric from the front of the chair, after which he realized that staples might not be the smartest solution, either, as they might be just as hard to hide as the nails were. Carpenters we are not, people.

We first googled "upholstery shops Indianapolis" with the intention of purchasing better materials with which to attach new fabric. Then I was calling businesses and requesting quotes and suddenly we were driving through downtown to meet with the only shop owner with Saturday operating hours. It's all a blur now, but the bottom line is that handing the problem off to a professional will ensure us a quality job, not to mention completion before Freka's due date, so that's what we're going to do. If I were even half as crafty and resourceful as a certain domestic goddess I know, I'd vow to save the money and find a way to do this ourselves. But you know what? I'm not that crafty. I'm not that resourceful. I'm almost thirty-seven weeks pregnant, is what I am, and holy cow, do I not want to deal with this damn chair anymore.

Now I can finally dedicate my time to finishing a project more up my alley. Like wills! The fun, it never ends around here.

Day four of NaBloPoMo...

...and I'm already questioning my commitment. Luke woke me up from a delicious cat nap to make sure I had enough time to post today's entry. I almost said "To hell with it" and went back to sleep, but I didn't because I'm...dedicated? Just plain stupid? Only time will tell.

I know my half-hearted attitude towards blogging these days comes from the numerous to-dos already competing for my time. Today was another action-packed day, filled with more family visiting, more apartment cleaning, more Christmas shopping, and even more maternity clothes shopping, seeing as most of the items I received in my last Gap order are already too snug, and also seeing as it's unacceptable to attend professional work functions in a shirt that constantly threatens to expose the mass of purple stretch marks hiding underneath.

(As I'm typing this, Luke is giving me a wonderful massage with one of those hand-held contraptions you can get at Bed Bath & Beyond for like, ten bucks. So good, and so worth it.)

Anyway, for those of you wondering, Tori's concert on Friday was wonderful, and I'm so glad I decided to go, even though I felt like a senior citizen in my black pants and sneakers compared to the college-aged grungies in ripped tights and brightly dyed hair and the savvier gals who donned heels, jeans, and jackets, jackets that wouldn't stand a chance against my plentiful waistline. I only left twice to pee--once during the opening act, and once during her second encore performance, after listening long enough to make sure the song wasn't one I would kick myself for missing. Freka liked it, too; for at least half of the show, she couldn't stay still.

Speaking of Freka (ha! Like there's anything else I talk about these days), tomorrow I'll be thirty-five weeks, and I'm genuinely amazed at how quickly this last stretch is slipping through my fingers. Instead of constantly devising new ways to relieve my back pain, my thoughts are now centered around delivery and postpartum: preparing my birth plan, coming up with questions to ask potential pediatricians, whether or not I'll labor in my own things or the hospital's poor excuse for a gown, and how in the world I'll manage breastfeeding around my family during the first month when I'll have to whip out a boob every two hours. My mother formula-fed all five of us, and though she's supportive of my desire to nurse, she's already said something along the lines of "You're not going to do that in front of your father, are you?" As if feeding my child were on par with pole dancing in an x-rated night club, even though I've seen more breast at work parading under the guise of business casual than I have from nursing mothers in all those parenting magazines I skim at the doctor's office.

I picked up two nursing camis and one nursing bra from Target this afternoon, so at least I've got some clothing that'll keep the quote-unquote indecent exposure down to a minimum, and I'm not against using a blanket around those who are truly uncomfortable with watching a woman breastfeed, but I hate being made to feel like I'm doing something that needs to be covered up in the first place.

I also think about how long I'm going to make it in my current ginormous state before I either abandon work for early FMLA leave or demand the doctor induce me.

Yes, I admit it. I am big. Huge. The belly, it is gargantuan.

I know this because Luke and I attended a labor support class at our hospital last week, and despite all six of us having due dates ranging within one week of each other, I was the only mom-to-be who looked like the simple act of breaking wind would be enough to bring her baby into the world.

If only it were that simple.

Forget the epidural; why doesn't anybody warn you about the IV?

It's been a long few days.

Those of you who follow my Parents blog already know about last Thursday's ER scare; those of you who don't? Well, you really should follow my Parents blog.

Just kidding. (Except not really.)

Here's the story: Almost two weeks ago, I showed signs of my third pregnancy-related yeast infection. I began treatment and took my last dose this past Wednesday; the following morning, I awoke to mild irritation in my vaginal area. Initially attributing it to an ill-timed poke with the Monistat applicator, I drove to Rensselaer as usual for class because my friend Jackie--fellow BlogHer attendee and seasoned PR executive--was scheduled to give a presentation about her experience with blogs in the marketing world. I didn't want to waste her time or cheat my students, and anyway, I figured the discomfort would fade away as the day wore on.

Only it didn't. Two hours before class, I was crying to Luke about the pain, my God, THE PAIN, in my special place and now my stomach, too, wondering how the hell I was going to make it from six to eight-thirty without running to the bathroom, pulling my pants down, and trying my damndest to relieve myself, as by that time, my symptoms were comparable to the worst urinary tract infection imaginable.

As it turns out, I didn't make it. Hell, if you ask my students, I barely made it the first thirty minutes. Five minutes before class began, I called Luke to tell him I needed to get to the hospital. I knew I couldn't drive back to Indy in my condition, so the plan was for him and his brother to meet me in Purdue country, enabling my husband to take my spot behind the wheel without leaving behind a second car. I figured Jackie could make her presentation and I could end class shortly after to get started on the forty-five-minute trip to Lafayette.

Educating young minds without sacrificing my need for immediate medical attention. Everybody wins!

Jackie eventually transported me to the local ER.*

I didn't know what to feel. On one hand, Freka's activity level hadn't changed at all, and I wasn't leaking any fluid, so a phone call to my doctor reassured me I probably wasn't in labor. On the other, I was also experiencing irregular contractions and a physical strain so intense I could barely walk. All I could think about was parking my ass on a toilet and willing it out of my body.

The ER nurses loved hearing that. "Don't push, don't push!" one of them barked when I explained my urge to pee. "We don't want to deliver a baby right now!"

Me, neither, lady.

Thankfully, I wasn't in labor. I was, however, badly dehydrated, and apparently lack of fluid was to blame for the contractions and that horrible pain. I received my very first IV feed, and it hurt like a sonofabitch. A non-stress test confirmed the baby's heart beat was strong, and three and a half hours later, Luke and I left the hospital with the results of my urinalysis and strict instructions for me to get more rest and drink lots of water.

The fun part? A follow-up appointment with my ob/gyn the next day showed that our little Freka is sitting way lower than normal for this stage in the game; also, my cervix has already begun to soften. Even though there's still seven weeks to go until my December 10th due date, it's not totally off-base to think my Christmas baby might be here by Thanksgiving.

At least she's head down.

Things are OK now; I had another "episode" on Saturday night, but I'm thinking the six hours Luke and I spent running through the aisles of Babies R Us and Super Target in a frantic attempt to stock up on the last of our baby essentials had something to do with it. Once again, copious amounts of water saved the day.

...And consider yourself officially caught up on all matters related to my uterus. Don't you feel special?

In other news, my sister's post-wedding wedding shower is set for November 18th, but in light of recent events, there's no way I can in good conscience commit to a trip to Chicago. Ryan was extremely understanding, and she promised to visit with Jason while he's on leave, but still, knowing I have to miss one of the few marital milestones I could've actually participated in for her doesn't have me jumping up and down for joy. (Their elopement, by the way, was rescheduled for this weekend due to outrageously priced air fare, so she still has another few days of living life as a single woman.)

Tune in again on Wednesday to see all the progress I've made on my prenatal to-do list. You'll be amazed, I promise.

* Words can't express how grateful I am for all Jackie did that night--taking over my class, driving me to the hospital, staying by my side until Luke arrived.... I couldn't have managed on my own, and she made it possible that I didn't have to. Jackie, thanks so much for being such a good friend. It means more than you know.

The one time I'm grateful she doesn't read my blog.

Once again, much thanks to everyone who provided suggestions for Ryan and Jason's wedding presents. In order to preserve what little sanity I have left, Luke and I decided to save the tangible items for their November reception/shower and go with a monetary gift to celebrate their actual elopement. I also ran to Victoria's Secret last night to pick out some pretty things for her to wear on her wedding night (smart thinking, Liz!). On the way to the mall, it hit me, really hit me, that I won't be there to watch my little sister get married. When I see her this Saturday, she'll be a single woman. The next time? She'll sport a new last name. She'll have taken vows to love and cherish another human being for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, as long as they both shall live. And I WON'T BE THERE.

Dammit, I'm crying again. Luckily, rolled-up tank tops make excellent hankerchiefs.

It's probably safe to say that emotions will be running high at my baby shower this weekend. Expect lots of pictures (and possibly more tears) for Monday.

So as not to leave you on a completely depressing note, I want to get a feel for how many of you plan on participating in this year's National Blog Posting Month. I fully intend to hop on the bandwagon just like I did last year, especially since I was so freaking productive. Cheesy love song swap inspired by Lionel Richie! The birth of Tragic Love Friday! Yes, November 2006 was quite the month for Frema.

With everything going on in my life these days, I haven't been paying attention to this blog as much as I'd like, and since I have no idea how often I'll post once Freka arrives, think of NaBloPoMo as my early Christmas gift to the Internet.

Who's with me? 

I want fried chicken. (This entry isn't about that, though.)

Also, I'm still in awe that 58 of you commented on a post dedicated to cloth diapering.

Thank you all so much for the many, MANY recommendations you left in response to my call-out for cloth info. It sounds like the best plan is to buy a diaper here and there and see which ones Freka likes best. Luke and I don't mind using disposables while we're testing the waters, especially since we never planned on an all-or-nothing type deal to begin with. I have no intentions of touting shit-stained diapers when traveling outside city limits.

I have to admit, though, using anything other than an All-In-One scares the bejeezus out of me, even though several of you are die-hard advocates of the more...involved products. The idea of trying to assemble various diaper parts and do I have to order them all separately or are they included in each individual order and what the hell is a PUL is enough to scare me into Huggies's open arms for the rest of my childbearing years. I can only pray detailed instructions and step-by-step diagrams are included in every package.

I'm nervous about working out the kinks but definitely excited about keeping money in the bank. Somebody mentioned that the added expense of increased laundering might cancel out the cost savings associated with buying cloth, but I can't imagine doing one more load every couple of days will run me $336 a month--the approximate amount it would take to keep Freka in Pampers each month.

Hmm. Thanks, Jana, for pointing out my faulty logic. I took the numbers of diapers I anticipate changing every day (12), multiplied that by seven, and then multiplied that by four, which gave me 336--a correct number if we're talking about how many diapers Luke and I will change each month, but not the monthly cost.

On BabiesRUs.com, they carry boxes of 96-count Pampers for $22.95. Three boxes would leave us about 48 diapers short for the month, but the cost for those would be $68.97, so let's assume I'd spend a hundred dollars a month (with tax) on disposables. Not the huge monthly savings I anticipated, but still, a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks, and my cost for diapers overall should be considerably less with cloth. Kerflop shares a breakdown at her Very Baby Web site, one she probably didn't attempt to outline at 1:30 in the morning.

(Now back to our regularly scheduled entry.)

As far as the environment goes, whether or not it makes a significant difference to our landfill problem, it certainly can't hurt. So we'll give it a try and see how it goes.

Now on to more important things, like the fact that my sister Ryan is getting married in two weeks so she can move to Germany in December to be with her high school sweetheart slash ambitious Army husband.

My mother called last week to say that Jason had contacted my father from his base in Texas to ask for Ryan's hand in marriage (I know, I know, outdated and patriarchial and insulting to women, blah blah blah, but it means a lot to my parents that all of their future son-in-laws do this, and in the end nobody's worse for the wear). Anyway, permission was granted, Ryan flew down to Texas for the weekend, and by 11:30 Sunday night she had spilled the marital beans. She also told me Jason's being transferred to Germany in two months and they needed to be married by then so she could go with him. Tonight, she said they've made plans to elope next weekend so she can get a head start on the mountain of paperwork required for her Big Move. Jason is slated to come home for a short visit mid-November, at which time there'll be some sort of celebratory gathering for the newlyweds. By Christmas, they'll both be gone. It's not even guaranteed that Ryan can meet her firstborn niece before she has to leave.

So, to sum up: Baby sister is getting MARRIED, OH MY GOD, moving to an overseas country far away from friends and family, and by the way, my new brother-in-law might get deployed to Iraq or Afghanistan next year.

It has also not escaped my attention that in mid-November I'll be thirty-six weeks pregnant and Chicago is a good four-hour drive from Indianapolis, what with all the construction taking place on both the tollroads and expressways. And that's just one way.

This is a lot of information for a highly strung, easily overwhelmed incubator to absorb in a forty-eight-hour timespan, but so far, I'm doing OK. If you're up to being helpful, though, I wouldn't mind suggestions regarding appropriate wedding presents for a bride and groom who have no practical use for coffee pots, toasters, or oven mitts. These gifts should also be readily available at most retail chains, seeing as Freka's shower this Saturday will also commemorate Ryan's last days as a single woman. I can't let her say "I do" without having at least a little something from me.

Ten out of twelve ain't bad

After checking my campus mailbox yesterday, I was a little sad to see I'd lost two students during last week's add/drop period. The class must've varied too far from their expectations, which I completely understand, but still, wah.

It's so different being on the other side of the academic fence; as an undergraduate, I never gave a thought to the personal feelings of my professors. They always came to class prepared to share some big-picture insights about the world around us, and for the most part, I trusted their direction. How odd to think they must've started out the way I am now, navigating through material I have yet to master, trying to create an atmosphere conducive to thoughtful participation, worrying about filling class time. Which I did, by the way, and let me tell you, the time between 6:00 and 8:30 literally flew by. I only glanced at the clock on my cell phone a few times, and at one point I actually questioned whether or not we'd make it through my entire lesson.

Of course, I'm still discovering the many ways in which I can improve my teaching style. This week, I prepared for class the way I might've in graduate school: read, read, read and take lots of notes, with some extra attention paid to forming possible discussion questions for each chapter. However, being a diligent note-taker does not an expert make, so sometimes I'd repeat a concept or definition several times until I found the wording that seemed to make the most sense to my students, and even then I sometimes realized that my understanding of an idea wasn't as rock-solid as I thought.

This week was probably a bigger challenge than most will or should be, seeing as we primarily focused on technical resources available to bloggers, and my acquired knowledge in that area is self-taught and fair at best. There was an awkward moment when a student asked to see an example of a TrackBack and I didn't have one to show him. Normally I'd just pull up a Web site that featured what we were talking about, but you so rarely see this function used in the blogosphere--at least on the blogs I read--that finding one on the spot wasn't an option. Next came the brilliant idea that oh! I'll just log in to my TypePad account and create an entry with a TrackBack right now! Only that didn't work out, either, because apparently I'm an idiot. I'll definitely become better acquainted with TypePad's stellar customer knowledge base before next Thursday, because by George, I WILL make the TrackBack my bitch.

Despite my rookie mistakes, I consider last night a success. Teaching this class is a wonderful way to keep my mind occupied as my stomach continues to grow at an alarming rate, and it's hard to believe that by the time we wrap things up, Luke and I will be one month away from meeting our baby.

Here is The Belly at 25 weeks. No, I'm not carrying twins, thank you so much for asking and making me feel like a big fat cow.

But wait! I have more graphic goodness to share.

This little guy is Roxy, one of two kittens recently adopted by my family. Our beautiful German shepherd, Styx, was put to sleep back in January (on my birthday, which I so appreciated), and since then my mother's been lonely for animal companionship; when they learned my grandfather's cat had recently given birth, my sister Ryan convinced my father to bring two of them home for her, which surprised us all, because for YEARS my mom's talked about how much she hates cats and they can't be trusted and let me tell you about the time when Samantha was a newborn and I found one sitting on her face.

Viewed in that light, I suppose her "distaste" was somewhat warranted.

As it turns out, my mother quite enjoys felines when they're not threatening to suffocate one of her children. The one above is her favorite, I think. She named him Church. As in, the resurrected cat from Pet Sematary. Because that's not disturbing at all.

P.S. Is nobody interested in summing up part two of TLF? The soundtrack you'd receive in turn would be totally awesome, I promise.

Sweet Home Chicago

At the time I sit down to publish this, there's still one minute left of Weight Loss Wednesday, but right now I don't care about Weight Loss Wednesday. If you think that's due to Frema gaining two pounds in one week, you're only partly right.

Luke's and my weekend extravaganza kicked off with the long-awaited Jerry Seinfeld show in downtown Indianapolis. Prior to our living together, I had no interest in Jerry Seinfeld, in his stand-up or his trivial, nothing little show, but the minute Luke's bags dropped at the front of my door step, all preconceived notions flew out the window and soon I was pissing my pants with the best of them over Jerry's housecleaning prostitute and "not that there's anything wrong with that" bit. On Friday night we hurried home from work, scarfed down a couple of bacon sandwiches (bacon sandwiches for me, at least, as in, no lettuce, and tomato on the side), and scurried out the door a good forty minutes before the seven o'clock start time. And if all we had to do was pull into the Murat Theatre parking lot, claim a space, and make our way to the ticket booth, I would've had plenty of time to relieve myself before finding our seats. However, coming from a city as ginormous as Chicago, I never in my wildest dreams imagined we'd actually have to deal with something as "big city" as parking issues and therefore allotted zero extra time to address the crowds.

The Murat lot was, of course, full, so our only option was to seek comfort in the arms of another, less sophisticated one, one with lower standards and no ability to accept credit card payments. This meant wasting ten minutes of pee time circling the block, rejoicing over the spotting of a bank and simultaneously cursing the fact that IT DID NOT HAVE AN ATM, WHAT THE HELL CENTURY ARE WE LIVING IN, PEOPLE, before victory was ours.

Once the car was secured in a no-tow zone, we flew up eight flights of stairs, during which I realized I paid seventy-seven dollars a ticket to squeeze my legs together, attempting to hold back the yellow flood, in the middle of the damn balcony. But we made it on time, seconds before the opening act, and twenty minutes later Jerry skidaddled onto the stage, and I actually shed a tear, so happy was I to see him. Urinate, schmurinate. What's another eighty minutes of holding it in for Jerry freaking Seinfeld?

The next morning, we saddled up for three glorious days in Chi-town. Luke was on assignment at a national housewares exhibit, and his room just happened to be at the W Lakeshore, one of BlogHer's own hotels of choice, and also the place where Molly and I and Isabel and Hollow Squirrel will be partying like it's 1999 this July. I felt it was my duty as a blogger to take two days off from work and test the waters.

I've just laid the framework for the perfect segue into hotel pictures, but first I have to tell you about this.

For the first time since my dad purchased his rad Harley motorcycle last summer, he took me for a ride around town. We zipped along on Archer Avenue, past our local Jewel, past the McDonald's that issued my first paycheck, past the abandoned lot behind the train station where my first boyfriend and I would make out like rabbits. There are condos there now. It's all very sad.

(I didn't tell my dad that, though. It was traumatizing enough for him to catch the two of us sucking face in the very alley you see above. I'm glad we're able to share such treasured memories surrounding my coming of age.)

OK, the hotel. This was without a doubt the most la-dee-da overnighter I've ever stayed in. The toiletries were provided by the spa housed below the main level, the convenience basket featured a ten-dollar pair of flip-flops, and there was a window (with shutters!) built into the wall of our bathroom. I scratched my head on that one for a good twenty-four hours, until I realized you could number two and still catch the results of that last DNA test on Judge Hatchett. Genius!

If the architects were smart enough to marry bowel movements and the boob tube, why could they not understand the importance of being able to cop a squat on the royal throne while your spouse is lathering up?

After Luke's Monday shift at McCormick Place, we moseyed on over to Navy Pier and took turns using our new digital camera. These shots were my feeble attempt at capturing the atmosphere.

I wonder how many first dates are staged here, how many first kisses? Over the summer they hold a fireworks display over Lake Michigan twice a week. It doesn't get more romantic than that.

The Pier is home to the nationally renowned Shakespeare Theatre, so one might think Luke is auditioning for an upcoming play here, but he's actually miming my intense dismay over the fact that Pretzelmaker is gone, my friends. GONE. The salted Parmesan cheese pretzel with garlic and I never even got to say good-bye. Sniff.

It also took my husband some time to absorb the shock. "Why, God, why?"

To be sure, it was a fantastic weekend, filled with family, friends, hair cuts (praise Jesus), my father's homemade barbequed ribs, and two issues of Marie Claire (which I absolutely love. Glamour's cookie-cutter opines pale in comparison. Thanks, Matt and Patty!). The memories I carried with me to work today just about made up for neglecting to factor in the time change when programming the VCR for 24. Dammit.

Life-Is-Good Wednesday

Seven days in and already I love March. The sun is out longer, there's less ice to scrape off the windshield of my car, and current temperatures are leveling out in respectable double digits.

When it comes to Weight Loss Wednesday, though, I much prefer negative numbers.

LAST WEEK'S WEIGHT: 135.6
CURRENT WEIGHT: 135.8
POUNDS TO GOAL WEIGHT: 10.8

OK, so I didn't lose the pound and a half I vowed to in last week's update, but I'm still impressed because, point-two pounds? Please. That's the (eight) handful(s) of M&Ms I scarfed down over the weekend. It's the fudge pop I had while watching The Departed last night. If I'd kept away from both, I'd be at 135 even. At least.

When it comes to eating, weekends at home are the epitome of temptation. Flipping through the pages of Marie Claire is more interesting with a package of Fig Newtons, and it's incredibly difficult to watch television without feasting on some sort of delectable treat, but I'm getting better. The biggest change in my habits this past week has been my recent befriending of the water bottle, which gives me something to grab on to when I don't know what to do with my hands and keeps the urinary tract sufficiently flushed as I strive to reduce the frequency of my UTIs. We go everywhere together, though his countless attempts to score during our trips to the bathroom have been unsuccessful. He's a fresh one, that bottle.

 

My new, sexually-aggressive BFF. I think I'll call him Wilson.

I'm ready for spring. I'm ready to hit the trails of our state parks and get moving after four months of sitting like a blob on the couch. Our annual pass has been purchased, the gym shoes moved to a more prominent position in the closet. It's time.

Since Weight Loss Wednesday and Ash Wednesday fell on the same day, this time of the week always seems most appropriate for filling you in on my Lenten commitments. Still AMC-free, though I did read yesterday's update in the paper and was surprised to learn Zach and Kendall have come face-to-face with Alexander Cambias, Senior, aka Zach's presumed-dead father, aka Pine Valley serial killer, and my first reaction was to rush to my desktop and pull up the soap's message board to get the full scoop. I didn't, but boy, did I want to. I'm still not sure what I'll do come Easter. I love my show, but I enjoy my newfound free time. Luke certainly doesn't miss it. We'll see.

The Bible reading continues to be one of the best parts of my day. It's a peaceful way to wind down before lights-out, and I'm constantly (re)inspired by Jesus's words and teachings. Challenging myself to put them into practice is another story, but at least I'm thinking about people and things in a way that I wasn't before, even going so far as to seriously contemplate repairing one of the family bridges that was burned a couple of years ago (even though the other person totally started it) (apparently the eight-year-old in me is not competely on board yet). Which raises a question: when you decide to forgive someone, do you have to let them know? I mean, I'm sure she isn't spending her waking hours gazing out the kitchen window, secretly wishing to be part of my life again. I don't even know if she's aware of how much she hurt me. Maybe it's enough to internally put those feelings in the past and plaster on a happy face the next time I see her, which might very well be years away.

On the other hand, I could've behaved more gracefully, and Jesus does talk about "making peace with your brother before offering your sacrifice."

What are your experiences with forgiveness? Have you ever had to forgive someone for your own peace of mind? Has anyone ever forgiven you when you didn't expect it? Or, when you didn't think there was anything to forgive?

This isn't how I imagined ending this post, but now I'm curious. Bring it on.

It's Important to Share Exquisite Pain with the Ones You Love

I don't think I'm cut out for this whole Cringe Book thing.

This morning I ditched the office again so I could continue to sift through journal entries documenting my tortured past and submit the most awkward ones for possible inclusion in a book that'll be publicized on a national level. And when I first pulled those books out, it was fun. I'd shriek with delight over each memory and eagerly shove a diary into Luke's hands so he could read passages aloud in his best little-Frema voice. Oh, the days when life's biggest problems included agonizing over which New Kid to pine for!

However, as I moved on to my pre-teen years and straight into full-blown adolescence, it became harder and harder to laugh.

I've written enough about Nick--The One Who Went For Three Weeks Without Calling, the boy who happily accepted my offer of virginity before I took off for college, the guy I obsessed over for FIVE YEARS--on this Web site that the following entries don't need much backstory. The first one was written on February 6, 1996, almost four months after we broke up for the first time.

See how "grade" I was doing? So what if I was afraid to leave the house in case I missed a potential phone call? Who cares I was creating elaborate schemes to make secret contact with the boy who plainly told me I needed to be with someone else, or that I included phrases like "exquisite pain" in my vocabulary?

We got back together that June, but by August we were fighting again. Break-up number two involved confessions of drug use, theft, and contact with another girl in a nearby suburb, with a big "Fuck you!" from me as he fled the scene as fast as his legs could carry him. By spring of my senior year, we were dancing around each other again. We went to prom. We did the Deed. And in between, there were missed phone calls, week-long absences, and awkward conversations about "where this is going." Just like before.

So when I read the entry below, written just days after admitting to my part in our Horizontal Tango (in such detail that I made myself blush, and I wrote the damn thing), I really do physically cringe.

Page 2:

Stupid, stupid, stupid girl! I can't believe how stupid. I was preparing to spend the rest of my life with someone just to rid myself of religious guilt. Because God would've much preferred me to commit to a man prematurely rather than just call a spade a spade and let him go. Classic flawed logic--like when I was debating sex in the first place and thought we shouldn't use a condom because the Catholic church is against artifical contraception. A+, Frema. Well done.

I read these entries and can't decide which is worse: that I let myself get so wrapped up in a relationship before I was ready to stand behind my beliefs or that one day I might have a daughter who feels the same way and I will have to watch her suffer the same way my parents watched me. I was so angry with them, especially my mother, who I often yelled at for not having enough trust in me to make good decisions, right before I ran to Nick's house and spent four hours on the mattress in his bedroom pretending to watch Die Hard. I was in control! I knew when to stop! And when I finally gave in completely, I still believed I knew what I was doing. It was my body! My choice! Who was she to tell me what to do?

I think about having similar arguments with children of my own when they're that age and I'm petrified. I'm in awe my mother was able to restrain herself from popping me in the mouth.  I wonder how many nights my father had to comfort her to sleep because I was so quick to declare my independence, so cocky as I threw her teenage pregnancy in her face and informed her how much smarter I was, how I was determined to live a different life than the one she'd panned out for herself. I acted like her advice couldn't possibly have value because I didn't want to admit how self-destructive it was for me to insist on staying with Nick, refusing to "give up" even when he wanted me to. As wrong as he was for me, he wasn't a bad person. He gave me plenty of outs, and if I'd told him to stay the hell away from me, he would've done it. It was me who kept going back, enticing him to come back, making excuses for his behavior so I wouldn't have to think about life without him.

I'm glad I gave this Cringe Book a shot. I'm glad that I'm twenty-seven years old with a wonderful husband (who celebrates his thirty-third birthday today, Happy Birthday, sweetie!) and insanely understanding parents. I'm glad I wrote these entries because the act of putting my feelings to paper was sometimes the only way I could get a handle on my emotions. But I'll also be glad to pack these books up and retire them to my closet again. Refusing to share them out of context with a mass of strangers (I refuse to think of you guys as strangers) will be the Valentine's Day present I give to myself.

Office Space: No Longer Just A Category Heading

There are a million things I should be doing right now, like figuring out the Index feature in Adobe InDesign. However, since I work best under pressure and my deadline for turning in a fully revised clinical directory is still a whole twenty-four hours away, I figured I could give myself a well-deserved break and show you my office, at the request of Isabel, who was kind enough to photograph her own space earlier this week.

I've been in my current position for about a year and a half, and when I first started, I was in a cubicle in a corner of the administrative part of the building. It was freezing. There was a door behind my desk that allowed the renters next door to help themselves to our bathroom when their pipes froze. People would often forget I was there and turn the lights out promptly at five, and since I was too lazy to get up and turn the lights back on, I brought in my own lamp from Wal-Mart so that I wasn't hypnotized by the brightness of my computer screen.

Since that time, a ton of new employees have signed on, requiring the construction of several new offices scattered throughout the admin side of the lab. When that happened, my cubicle was taken apart to allow space for two new offices. Did I get one of those new offices? No. But I did get one on the opposite side of the building, much closer to the printer, PLUS I got my own window, so really it was all for the best.

Here it is, my humble corporate abode:

 

When I'm not scrambling to finish an article for the Web site or a layout for one of our company newsletters, this is what the surface of my desk normally looks like. Right now I'm working on the directory, so it's a little more top-heavy than I prefer, but I did organize my papers into managable little stacks before shooting the picture. You never get a second chance to make a first impression.

Let's break this down a bit.

That Christmas tree's been fully decked since November of 2005, when I first brought it to work. After the holidays were over, I could never muster up the energy to take all the little ornaments off, so I just moved the thing over to my filing cabinet until last Thanksgiving, when I positioned it on my window sill, where it remains to this day. The red bows and striped candy canes are perfect for Valentine's Day, don't you think? As for the snowflake cut-outs taped to the monitor, they're perfectly acceptable until the first day of spring, so I'll thank you very much to keep your nose out of my seasonal-decorating affairs.

You'll also notice the CD collection that's slowly making its way towards my cheapie Wal-Mart boom box. Current discs include such artists as Fiona Apple, Liz Phair, Norah Jones, the Carpenters, and a slew of cheesy love song CDs.

I'm showing you this picture because it includes the best planner in the whole universe: the AT-A-GLANCE Weekly Professional Appointment Book. I was introduced to it when I first started working at Saint Joe and will never use another model for as long as I live. Each work day is assigned its very own column, which accounts for every fifteen-minute increment between the hours of seven a.m. and nine p.m., and even the weekends have a little face time, so I can record my trips to the college for alumni board meetings and visits back home. Not only do I keep my appointments in here, I also scribble down notes from my day so I can remember how I spent major blocks of time. Just talking about it gives me a warm, tingly feeling.

You can also see that I love me some Post-Its.

See those beautifully colored stickies covering my dry-erase board? I receive them often from my darling husband, who knows paper products turn me on more than a bouquet of carnations ever could. I almost cried the day I ran out and tried in vain to request the exact same kind from my purchasing manager, because those fun Post-Its can really be kind of expensive, you know? But I ended up with the traditional (boring) yellow ones everyone else has instead. Blah.

Luckily, I have my pens to comfort me through such hard times.

My passion for writing utensils is nothing new. There are pens stashed throughout Luke's and my apartment--at both computer stations, on the night stand, in my craft box in the closet--in my coat pockets, in my purse, in the back pocket of my jeans. I'm a freak and I like it.

What I really love about this picture, though, is the box in which the pens are kept.

My sister Donna gave this school box to me when I was a freshman in college and she was four months shy of turning six. Next year it'll be ten years old. She used to make a lot of things for me to keep in my dorm room; my closet doors were covered with her drawings, and my book shelf at home still holds a rainbow-colored clay snowman person she created just for me. She was so young at the time, and it was really traumatic for her when I left for Saint Joe. Her eyes always filled with tears when my dad's Suburban pulled out of Halas Hall's parking lot, and I was required to wave at the car until it was just a tiny dot on the road, to call her the night I returned to Rensselaer after a weekend visit because she couldn't go to sleep without hearing my voice. Nowadays I'm lucky to see her for five minutes when I'm in the city because she's fourteen and has a full life that no longer includes waiting on the porch to see my car pull in behind the garage. But it wasn't always this way, and things like this box will always remind me of that.

These last two pictures are unrelated to my work space, but they do relate to work, and the incident in question just happened about an hour ago, so I couldn't NOT share.

One of my coworkers, who's quite lovable but also very quirky, collects hats. As in, if there's an abandoned baseball cap lying in the street, he'll pick it up, take it home, and run it through the wash until it's "good as new." Last year he gave me a hat he found on a park bench that reminded him of me. Today, it was one that's sure to be a collector's item. He can feel it.

Nothing shouts "money maker" like Mr. Pibb. God bless him.

I've Got A Food Attitude

For as long as I can remember, I've always been a picky eater. If a food possesses a smell, texture, or physical appearance that's not to my liking, it's blackballed from my palette and never thought of again. When I was a kid, this posed a lot of problems for my mother, who cooked the majority of our meals, because she often wanted to prepare something that wasn't chicken, spaghetti, tacos, or pizza, and I didn't want to eat anything other than chicken, spaghetti, tacos (on flour tortillas only), or pizza. There were a couple of times where her "You're not leaving until you eat that!" directive meant me sitting at the kitchen table for hours, staring at yellow paint and wooden panels, the antique knick-knacks perched on top of the cabinets, or updated school pictures fastened to the refrigerator because I was too stubborn to take even one bite of her refried beans and she was too stubborn to let a nine-year-old kid break her spirit. One morning she threatened bodily harm if I didn't just EAT THE DAMN SCRAMBLED EGGS, so eat them I did. And then promptly threw up.

We didn't struggle a lot over food after that.

As an adult, I've continued to sustain my body on a limited menu. I still love chicken, spaghetti, tacos (actually, most forms of beef), and pizza and eat 'em at least once a week. I love barbeque ribs and ham and bacon and cheeseburgers and potatoes in any form (read: french fries). I enjoy whole kernel corn, green beans, onions (required for Outback's Bloomin' Onion), sugarsnap peas, cheese, and various types of fruit. Dessert items rock my socks off.

The following foods will only find themselves on my plate if I'm dead:

• Seafood of any kind
• Eggs (Ah, memories)
• Macaroni and cheese (The smell is unlike anything I've ever experienced)
• Macaroni noodles (You know, because of the mac and cheese thing) and other "thick" pasta shapes
• Oatmeal (Tasty to-go bars don't count)
• Sauces with a non-tomato base
• Beans (Unless they're in chili, and even then I pick them out)
• Whole mushrooms (Chopped up on pizza is acceptable)
• Tuna (Except in tuna cassarole)
• Salami
• Burritos
• French toast
• Avocados
• Salad (Because I hate lettuce)
• Sour cream
• Mayonnaise (Except in my spinach dip receipe)
• Custard
• Cranberries
• Cottage cheese
• Tapioca (Thanks for reminding me, Bdogg!)
• Quiche
• Tiramisu
• Any sort of pot pie
• Omelets
• Indian food (Too afraid to try it)
• Most Chinese food (Though I do enjoy orange chicken)
• Most Japanese food (Unless it's beef fried rice, and I still pick out the egg chunks)
• Select meat-and-cheese combinations (Shredded cheese on tacos is delish; sausage-and-cheese croissants inspire my gagging reflex; meats with cheese stuffed inside of them are also gross. Cheese does not make everything better, people!)

I'm sure there are others, and there are a few exceptions, but them's the biggies. Any dishes outside of my love/hate radar are tolerable, I suppose, but why bother with them when I can get my taste on with something I one-hundred-percent enjoy?

My contentedness with not trying anything new never bothered anyone until I started dating, and it didn't bother ME until I started dating Luke. Our relationship has always embraced a liberal dining-out policy, meaning an oil change is reason enough to flock to the nearest Applebee's, so this topic comes up all the time. I usually go for American grill or Italian-style restaurants, while he's interested in trying out the little Thai place across the street from Wal-Mart. If I suggest a place, it's usually to satisfy a specific craving. Outback equals Bloomin' Onion. Ted's Montana Grill (my new favorite place) means a bison cheeseburger and fries. Don Pablo's? Steak quesadillas. (Another instance where I sanction the marriage of meat and cheese.) I'll go anywhere you want, but you can bet your mother's life I'll ask for a burger, ribs, or chicken strips, and that's after I guilt you into ordering the dip.

For Luke's sake, sometimes I want to throw caution to the wind and just try a crab leg already. I know he'd take greater pleasure in our meals out if I took a more open-minded approach towards food. He also gets sick of my wrinkled nose and "Oooh, I don't like that, how can you eat that?" comments every time he takes a bite of something that didn't originate from a cow.

But what if I don't like the crab leg? Am I going to shell out eleven ninety-five for another platter? Stare at my entree forlornly until it's time to pay the bill? My daredevilism could very well come back to bite me in the ass.

This evening, Luke and I are going to the Cheesecake Factory for my birthday. (Twenty-seven, thank you for asking!) It will actually be the culmination of a series of food-centric events held in the honor of my departure from my mother's uterus; the shenanigans started on Sunday, when we went to Ted's for dinner, and tonight Luke's making tacos, after which we'll visit the Factory for their to-die-for cheesecake. (I refused to try cheesecake until college because I thought it was literally a blend of cheese and cake. Like, American cheese. If that's not reason enough to loosen up, the only reason my passion for spinach dip exists is Luke's hankering for it on our first date and my unwillingness to rock the boat.) Our first visit was in December, when I feasted upon their brownie sundae concoction, a miracle because they also have banana cheesecake, and usually when I'm ordering a dessert I always go for the banana option. On that night, though, I could SEE the sigh in Luke's eyes as we considered our options, and I thought, "Oh, what the hell."

Because I subscribe to a strict "If it ain't broke, don't fix it" philosophy, I think I want the brownie sundae again. Or the banana. Or maybe I'll ask the Internets for their opinion.

Here is a link to the Factory's menu. While I wish I could say I'll go with the majority vote, I'll probably just do whatever I want. Nonetheless, feel free to de-lurk and offer a suggestion. I promise to think about it really, really hard.

Edited to add: I just re-read this entry and realized I listed my age as twenty-eight years old. I am only twenty-seven. Apparently "counting correctly" isn't on my list of ways to celebrate my birthday.

On the '06

My senior year in college, one of my professors said that with every choice you make, you become a little more free, as all the questions and doubts and fears once associated with that choice are now obsolete. This train of thought has always resonated with me but became even more meaningful the day I married Luke. Gone are the days where I wonder about our future, my ability to love another person both unconditionally and romantically, his ability to take all my idiosyncrasies in stride. This year we made the decision to love and honor and cherish each other for the rest of our lives, and doing so has enabled us to move forward and tackle new questions--harder questions, probably--but ones that acknowledge our past and honor our future. Instead of pestering Luke to move in with me and propose already, I get to nag him about making a baby and prepping ourselves for the responsibilities of home ownership. I'm definitely OK with the trade-off.

But getting married wasn't the only big thing that happened to me this past year. In reviewing the chain of events that occurred in 2006, I realize these last twelve months have shaped me into a different person: someone more independent, more emotionally adventurous, who isn't waiting for a family member or friend or Joe Schmoe on the street to validate her feelings.

I took a good, long look at my religious foundation and answered some hard questions about which aspects enriched my life and which ones I could've done without. I learned that pigeonholing God into limited definitions and avenues of grace doesn't help anyone, and his miracles aren't confined to a single denomination. At the same time, I learned how important the concept of community is in my faith and how deeply Luke and I want to pass that tradition on to our children. Nobody operates in a vaccuum, whether you're talking about religion, family, or society at large, and to live life ignoring your impact on all of those things seems naive. I severed a couple of once-important familial relationships last year, so even I don't measure up to my own standard of maturity, but who's perfect, right? I'm just proud of myself for not abandoning my convictions and refusing to sweep my hurt feelings under the rug. If that means I have to forgive others and myself for the results, so be it.

I finally grew the balls to say my online writing is important enough to take to the next level and I took it to the next level. I cursed and cried and beat my head against the PC monitor when I realized how much work it would take to meet my expectations, but I did it and now it's done and I'm so happy with the end product. I'm no longer disappointed in myself for admitting I don't want to write the next Great American Novel, that fiction isn't my bag, baby, and scribbling my thoughts and feelings on the Internet is the best use of my passion. I'm not ashamed that blogging is an insanely significant part of my creative identity; it forces me to put a name on my emotions and sort out my feelings, and it helps me connect with others without worrying if my new acquaintenance is paying more attention to my ideas or the zit that just started growing above my upper lip. I learned how to feel comfortable in my own Internet skin.

At the tail end of 2006, I also wet my pants in excitement over unique career opportunities. I've already been asked to conduct a one-hour workshop on blogging for a writing conference at Saint Joe this September, and if the stars align properly, I may even teach semester-long course in the fall. Blogging, it has been good to me, and I am so, so grateful.

While there was great joy in 2006, there were sad moments, too. One of my mother's sisters passed away after a long fight with brain cancer, and just when you think the grief can no longer touch you, you receive a Christmas card with three signatures, a Christmas card that once featured four, and you're reminded of the tangible effects of loss. My favorite aunt received a double whammy this spring as she was diagnosed with both breast cancer and brain cancer, a whammy that ushered her into chemotherapy and radiation and a horrible fear that she wouldn't live to see her eight-year-old daughter grow up. Today, she's almost cancer-free, something nobody in my family expected, but it's happened, and I'm grateful for that, too.

There's no way to predict the course of 2007, but there's no harm in working towards the following:

• Paying off our Cobalt three years ahead of schedule
• Finding a church to call our own
• Continuing to take our health and physical wellness more seriously
• Creating a financial situation that allows me to care for a child without the burden of a nine-to-five
• Counting our blessings, every one, every day

Happy New Year.

Be Careful What You Wish For

I start out the day with one goal: write a post honoring America's celebration of blood, guts, goblins, and the unknown. After reading Isabel's haunted house story, I'm inspired to share stories about the strange goings-on that've taken place in my own family's apartment building, specifically on the first floor, after its occupant, my grandmother, passed away in 2000. Only the thing is, those goings-on didn't happen to me but to my siblings, so I leave cryptic messages on Ryan's and Samantha's voice mails after work, soliciting their personal experiences for shameless exploitation and cheap thrills for all the Internet to see. I'm able to make contact with my brother Geo, who doesn't have any stories about Nana but is kind enough to remind me that a woman died in one of the first-floor bedrooms and a man killed himself in our garage via carbon monoxide poisoning. "You can blog about that," he says.

By this time it's seven o'clock, and two of our friends have arrived for a private showing of The Exorcism of Emily Rose, a find I was quite proud of, a find that confirmed my suspicions that the desire to take in a respectable horror flick on Halloween must be regarded as a top priority not to be delegated to the last minute. (I painfully learned this lesson last year when Luke and I waited until the night of to check out a movie and were forced to succomb to the mediocrity that is The House of Wax.) We watch the movie, during which the phone rings twice, both return calls from each of my sisters wanting to scare the bejeezus out of me with tales of my grandmother running through the hallway of the first-floor apartment she occupied for sixteen years prior to her death at the same time I'm watching a college student gorge holes in the walls with her fingernails and spit out various names of The Devil in foreign tongues. I get ahold of Samantha after the movie and share with her my new fear that I'll wake up at three o'clock in the morning with visions of spiritual torture and reprimand. I tell her I still have one more movie to go and am now debating the intelligence of subjecting myself to Saw II. "Maybe you should, so you can get the nightmares over with all at once," she says.

Thanks, Sissy. Happy Halloween to you, too.

It's moments like this in which I find myself thankful for having What About Bob? in my possession. Much to Luke's chagrin.

Blog, Resurrected

Let me start by saying that I am so mad at myself for not blogging on Friday the 13th, mainly for two reasons, the first being that Luke and I had started talking about my favorite horror scenes at Steak 'N Shake last Wednesday and the timing couldn't have been better, and the second being it was exactly one week since my last post, and I do so enjoy having a method to my madness. Now this entry has to do quadruple-duty on topics that could've managed just fine without any additional help, thank you very much. But both of us are up to the challenge.

Remember back in June when I talked about returning to my natural hair color without the assistance of professional dye products? Here's how far I got before I wanted to poke my eyes out with a pretzel rod, just to avoid being subjected to the train wreck that was my head. I like to mentally refer to this picture as Das Root:

 

This was taken on October 14, a mere hours before my cut and color at Enve--yes, the Chicago salon; yes, I've abandoned all hope of finding reputable hair care in Indianapolis; yes, I no longer care about exposing potential fetuses to harmful chemicals and dyes; YES, I AM OK WITH THAT. (But not really on that last one, since a number of Internet mommies informed me the probability of that happening is next to zero.) However, I did go the more practical route in terms of selecting a dye color, one that brought a little sexy back but wouldn't rat me out if I spaced out the length between touch ups. Here is the final result, which I'm pretty happy with, except the cut is still too short thanks to Magda the Racist Hairdresser and her equally bigoted texturizing comb.

Things around here are relatively tame. Last week I helped my boss write a book chapter for some chemistry association, and now I'm focusing on design for our client newsletter. Seeing as I spend the majority of my time at work devouring threads on AMC's message board, this recent flow of activity is a welcome improvement. I've also been on the verge of coming down with some sore throat/primal hunger/hot flash extravaganza that part of me hopes is an early sign of pregnancy but intellectually realizes is just a bug. Our Chi-town visit was fun, as we celebrated my father's forty-sixth birthday and hopped around the neighborhood to visit family and friends.

(Us kids chipped in to present my father with a gift certificate to his favorite Harley store, because he now loves that bike more than life itself. The poor man was accosted this weekend by Geo, who coated the inside of his ear with blue frosting, and Ryan, our hairdresser in training, who couldn't keep from running her hands through his Fantastic Sam's haircut and lamenting the unevenness of his ends.)

Here I am with Brooke and little Michael, now four months old. Though he was busy preparing for his baptism, he was still gracious enough to bestow a series of gifts on my right shoulder. In reply, I smelled his head and Brooke's arms received a well-deserved rest. Everybody wins!

We also saw my Uncle Chuckie and cousins Kenny and Stacey, who are on the cusp of experiencing their first month without my Auntie Debbie. It seems like my family can't get a break on the cancer front: my Auntie Donna, my mother's youngest sister and one of my favorite people in the whole world, was diagnosed with both brain cancer and breast cancer in the spring and is about to undergo seven weeks of radiation, five days a week. I keep thinking I need to address these topics with some lengthy, meaningful observations, but that whole post could be summed up in two words. Be kind. To yourself, to each other, to this unpredictable world we live in. Please keep them all in your prayers.

Still with me? Cuz there's more!

I have decided my relationship with Blogger should meet a timely and not-soon-enough demise, allowing me to explore a more emotionally satisfying connection with its for-profit counterparts. However, I refuse to initiate a courtship with Typepad until I can register for an account using a domain name that I thought of and paid for all by my own damn self. Except not really, because after months of scribbling on old drafts of my lab's clinical directory, I have yet to be inspired by a site name that's smart but not cheesy, funny but not embarrassing, original but not long, and relates somehow to my online persona or blog title. Thus, I have no choice but to call upon your own creative juices to name. my. BLOG!

(Insert TV game show theme song of your choice here and tell me which one you went with in the comments.)

You're up for the challenge, aren't you? Not only because you're savvy and charming, but also because Frema will put together a winning care package featuring a plethora of interesting and not at all Goodwill-worthy items straight from What're you lookin' at?'s headquarters? If I could, I'd arrange for some type of Deal or No Deal format wherein I fly twenty-six of you to Indianapolis, each of you armed with a case that bears your obviously fabulous submission, and I pick one of the cases for my very own and narrow down the list that way, but I'm pretty broke to be shelling out a trillion dollars on airfare for people I've never met, and besides, I'm nowhere near as captivating as Howie Mandel, whose newly bald head alone earns him a spot on my top five. If I had I top five, that is, which of course I don't, I'm a married woman for cripe's sake.

I'm counting on you, Internet. You're my only hope.

Official rules to come later, preferably when it's not one-thirty in the morning.

Questions? What Questions?

Bet you thought I forgot about these, didn't you?

Isabel wonders:

What was your best family vacation, ever?

Vacations? Ha! While we took plenty of day trips to museums and the zoo and the park, the only time we ever went "away" was in the summer of 1995, when my father borrowed a camper from a guy at work and all seven of us spent two days on Lake Michigan, where my aunt and uncle have a cabin. (There were two reasons for my family's lack of travel, one being my mother is deathly afraid to ride in a moving vehicle for longer than eight minutes at a time, and two being that five children ranging in age from fifteen years to twenty-seven months can take a significant toll on the finances of a single-income unit.)

It was a nice time, but that was the first summer of Nick, The Boyfriend Who Went Three Weeks Without Calling, and playing in the sand or touring the lake via paddleboat couldn't compare to bawling my eyes out in the confines of our bathroom at home, wailing over life's injustices and what was wrong with me and why wasn't I prettier and why would he want to smoke pot when he could be making out with me and please just caaaaaall me already.

Obviously, I was a delight.

Which sibling do you get along with the best?

When I first read this question, I assumed this translated into "Which sibling are you closest to?" A hard question, to be sure, but it was on the second reading I realized it has more to do with the meshing of personalities. Truth of the matter is that I get along well with all of my siblings. I can spend forty minutes on the phone with each one of them and cover as many different conversations, without uncomfortable pauses or small talk about the weather.

I will say the age difference between Samantha and me is such that it allows us to have a unique relationship. We're so often in the same place, so often able to support each other on equal footing, without the mentoring aspect that sneaks into our relationships with Ryan, Geo, and Donna.

She's also the only one I can talk to about sex without feeling dirty.

The worst? And why?

This question is harder because it deals with the clashing of personalities. I end up rephrasing it as "Who do I have the worst arguments with?" and reflecting on my many faults as a sister.

With that in mind, I say Ryan, our middle child, the brave soul who abandoned traditional college this year to pursue her dream of attending cosmetology school. It has nothing to do with how close we are (because I think we are close) and everything to do with our individual cores. My core begged my parents to let me have a job when I was a sophomore in high school and join nine different clubs. It revels in maintaining categorized to-do lists and outlining bill schedules months in advance and thinking about Christmas budgets in September. Ryan's core is more exploratory and less concerned with details. Ryan's core liberated her enough to attend two different four-year colleges in two years. It doesn't worry about reading the full terms of her apartment lease or submitting her loan papers on time, even if it delays the receipt of her reimbursement check from August to November. And when she does get it, her core has no problems spending it on a week-long stint in the Bahamas.

Pair that with my mother-bear instinct to steer all cubs from harm's way and it's easy see where the source of our conflict lies. Why can't I shut my trap about the logistics of responsible lending and just be happy she enjoyed her freakin' spring break? Especially since I spent my own loan surpluses on Saint Joe sweatshirts and Pantene Pro-V. She actually made the better choice.

I'll wrap up with Lizzy's and Lost A Sock's questions in my next entry, and then we can all rejoice in the fact that it only took me A MONTH to put this damn meme to rest. I'm nothing if not punctual.

Ten years.

Last night, after ten years of treatment, my mother's sister, my Auntie Debbie, died from brain cancer. Arrangements are being made for this weekend, so I'll be in Chicago until Monday.

My aunt was diagnosed in 1996, when she was only thirty-nine years old. She is survived by her husband, a son who just graduated college, and a thirteen-year-old daughter. She had five sisters and several nieces and nephews who loved her very much.

Please keep her family in your prayers.

Eating the Joneses' Dust

The first time I moved into a house, I was working in Rensselaer, and I was twenty-three. Armed with a co-worker from Saint Joe to fill the role of Roommate, we found a two-bedroom house on a corner lot in town available for rent and signed our lease just three days later.

It was perfect, with two full bathrooms, bedrooms with hardwood floors, a utility room for laundry, and a one-car garage ideal for storing recycling bins filled to capacity with empty wine bottles; plus, with two adults splitting a six-hundred-dollar payment, it was refreshingly affordable. I lived there about eight months, and during that time I took great joy in raking leaves, eating smores on the back porch, entertaining friends with food and drink and games. It was the first time I'd lived anywhere that could be described as cozy, that radiated a sense of permanency, even though I was only renting and my roommate and I had no plans to live out a Will and Grace spin-off. It was with great sadness I decided to leave, but David wanted to live with his boyfriend and I took that as a sign from God to find my own pad. I stayed in that apartment for a year and a half, at which point I moved to Indianapolis, fast on the heels of a job that promised career advancement and a paycheck large enough to cover my student loans.

The experience of living in that house has stayed with me, and it rises to the surface every time Luke and I talk about buying our first home. Two weeks ago, we circled several local neighborhoods to solicit information about places currently on the market and determine where we might get the best bang for our buck. One Sunday, we stumbled upon an open house for a budding townhouse community on the outskirts of Indianapolis; Luke had brought up the idea of a townhouse several times, as they were rumored to be less expensive than traditional houses and provided their owners with handsome profits upon resale, so "just for fun," we decided to check it out.

What it is about hardwood flooring that ignites hot passion in my girly parts, I don't know, but the minute I saw it, I fell in love.

The sales rep explained that building within the community started about fourteen months ago, and the several remaining units were in the final stages of construction. There were two models available; this one, the Fenwick, had an upstairs, downstairs, and finished basement and was the cheaper of the two we saw. There were two bedrooms, one and a half baths, and an open space designed for an office.

The master bedroom. This picture only captures half of the room's square footage.

Sexy closet space. More drool.

What started out as a harmless walk-through turned into an hour of crunching numbers and exploring the possibility of an October closing. Just for fun.

We were left alone for a short periods of time while the sales rep visited with other customers, allowing Luke and I to review our potential mortgage payment that reflected zero money down and an offer on behalf of the builder to pay off our lease and all closing costs. Visions of breakfast nooks and creamy white carpets danced in my head. "We could totally afford this," I told Luke confidently. "Sure, it'd be a little tight, and I'll have to keep working, but if we have a kid, I can totally work from home. Totally."

"We'll see, honey," he said.

It wasn't until we left the premises that my head began to clear and I realized I had actually volunteered to chuck my SAHM dreams for hardwood floor panels.

In a time where our friends are buying property, starting businesses, and producing offspring, it's easy to feel like we're losing ground in the race to Adulthood. Dinner parties are out, unless our guests would enjoy eating their food off our coffee table, which is what we do every night because one of our chairs is parked in front of my computer and neither of us has the motivation to move it. There's no room for a dog or a filing cabinet or a home office. There's no counter space in the kitchen, so we have to clean as we go. We'll reap unmeasurable benefits from our new commitment to stay out of the buyer's market for another couple of years, but in the meantime, the idea of celebrating New Year's 2008 in our one-bedroom apartment isn't something we look forward to.

I suppose every family has their cross to bear. My parents have lived in apartments for their entire married life; they didn't buy the building my siblings and I grew up in until they were thirty, and they chose to stick with apartment living so my (now deceased) grandmother could tag along, allowing her to maintain her independence and have access to 'round-the-clock help, if/when it ever became a necessity. When we moved in, there were four kids, two per bedroom, and when Donna Lyn was born, Geo was promoted to his own quarters, leaving four girls to share one room. Sad as they were when I left for college, my parents didn't let their grief prevent them from breathing a sigh of relief that Donna's dresser no longer had to compete for hallway space with the vaccuum. The situation might not've measured up compared to the three-hundred-thousand-dollar house my aunt and uncle owned in a posh Illinois suburb, but my parents made it work. There was no other choice.

Luke and I could've bought that gorgeous townhouse without a down payment and hoped for the best. We could've staked our claim on the American dream at the cost of being house poor, knowing an accidental pregnancy would send us into a financial tailspin. Knowing a job loss or major medical expense would probably lead to foreclosure. But it wasn't a choice we could live with.

While lurking on message boards to learn more about today's mothering culture, I "heard" from a variety of women who were violent advocates of staying at home with their children no matter what, who lamented over the current society that labeled the one-income family a luxury instead of a necessity; women who were college-educated and admitted to having the potential to garner respectable salaries yet still registered for WIC to make ends meet. Obviously I'm all about women tending to their kids full-time; it's the very reason Luke and I are waiting to try. However, the idea of middle-class suburbanites utilizing benefits originally designed to keep single parents and poverty-stricken families out of homeless shelters leaves a bad taste in my mouth. But those women aren't worried about the opinions of a judgemental twenty-something who's never had a baby. They had to make a choice they could live with, too.

What hard decisions have you made for your family? Which are you most proud of? Which do you get the most flack for? What would you change if you could?

Because Enough With The Damn Shoes Already

I don't know what why, but ever since the wedding, I've had a hard time maintaining any semblance of consistency with this blog. I went from hourly posts in the days leading up to Luke's and my nuptials to semi-weekly paragraphs about whether or not to converse with coworkers when I pee. I love to write here. I want to write here. For some reason, though, it's hard to sit in front of the computer screen and arrange words in a way that best represent what I'm feeling. Thanks for continuing to bear with me.

So it's been one week. A lot has happened in just one week. For example, last Friday the two of us embarked on a three-day, two-night camping trip to Indiana Dunes State Park, part of the state's national lakeshore, with Samantha and Dan, where we hiked, smored, swam, and slept. Well, they slept. That first night I spotted two Daddy Long Legs at the foot of our sleeping bag and thought I would pass out from the fear that one of them would crawl into my mouth if I dared to shut my eyes. The next morning, I woke to find a spider tangled in my blanket. I actually shouted "Eeek!" loud enough to pull a few chuckles from the campers next to our site.

That night, I was so paranoid about letting in more of God's creatures that I refused to leave the tent, even to use the Port-A-Potty twenty feet away. The pain in my bladder was so strong that it thankfully knocked me out into uncomfortable slumber.

(On a side note, while everyone ELSE was snoozing away, I did manage to devour eighty pages of Not Without My Daughter, a paperback my sister likes to make out with every couple of years or so and I'm assuming keeps stashed in her Buick Park Avenue in case she's ever stuck in traffic as a passenger in her own car. I ended up taking the book home and finishing it by Monday night.)

In other "me" happenings, I've been reading a lot again, as evidenced by my devouring a four-hundred-and-twenty page book in the span of two days. I've read all the Christopher Pike books I found at the half-priced bookstore, a Sweet Valley High Christmas special, and on a lighter note, some thoughtful religious debate. Two Mondays ago I delved into another nonfiction piece, Morgan Spurlock's Don't Eat This Book: Fast Food and the Supersizing of America, penned by the guy who digested one month's worth of "McFood" and lived to bring his tale to the big screen. The timing seemed about right, considering my latest attempts at healthy living, and when I checked out the book at the local library, I was feeling pretty confident about all things nuitritional.

Today I'm in the midst of chapter ten and pretty much want to throw up. A delightful excerpt follows:

Beef factories are models of waste-not want-not efficiency. Filthy, disgusting, and disease-ridden, maybe, but terribly efficient. Very little of one of these cows is discarded. Leftover bits and pieces are scooped up, ground together, and fed back to the cows. And then those cows are ground up and fed to you.

Other fun facts about the dangers of current American eating habits:

• By 1996, boys and girls consumed twice as much soda as milk. As of September 2004, nine million American kids between the ages of six and eighteen were obese.
• Obesity-related illnesses will kill around 400,000 Americans this year--almost the same as smoking.
• Diet and obesity have been linked to increased risk for breast, colon, endometrial, esophageal, and kidney cancer.

Read this book. It'll change your life. At the very least, you'll glean new insights into the case of the old woman who won a mega-bucks lawsuit against the Golden Arches by claiming her coffee was too hot. (Turns out it really was!)

Finally, I suppose there's one more piece of news you ought to know about. A piece of news that is about to change our lives. A piece of news that will eventually mean savings and houses and babies and maybe even a new Web site.

Luke has a new job. He starts next Wednesday.

He's not disclosing much detail on his own blog, so I'm going to respect his wishes and keep the jobspeak to a minimum. Know it's a very good job, full time, in his field, with room for advancement, and he actually had TWO positions to choose from because he's just that good. And this opportunity couldn't have come at a better time, as we were literally *thisclose* to charging next month's car insurance renewal to our Visa card.

It's been a long time coming, and he so deserves this. I'm so thankful God thinks we deserve this. Or maybe we don't. Maybe it's like what Lost A Sock said when revealing her own husband's new career move, "When your prayers begin to be answered you know that you must be damn lucky, because there are lots and lots of people with the same prayers and the same work ethic. And you have to keep yourself in check, and go above and beyond your norm to pay it forward, because experiencing good times comes with the responsibility of sharing."

Whether due to grace, grunt work, or chance, we're more than willing to share.

Another Anniversary

Today marks one year of cohabitation with my current company, and I'm not sure what to think about it. While the competitive wages, flexible hours, and one-hundred-percent vestment of employer 401(k) matches are to effing DIE for, they're not enough to make me happy about what I do. I'd like to blame this lack of fulfillment on the lab and the fact that my boss still doesn't know how to fully utilize my position, but the heart of the matter is I'm not sure where I belong in "the real world."

At the start of college I thought I'd be an executive powerhouse who took the subway to work and wore white tennis shoes over her tights while strutting my stuff to the office. My mom's older sister was a vice president for a national freight-train company, and she once told me about a disagreement with my uncle regarding whether or not to buy my younger cousin some insanely expensive toy for her birthday, and how she informed him that their daughter would get it no matter what. "I'll just take it from my checking account. He can't tell me what to do with my money," she said, and I was in awe. Any money my mother spent came straight from my father's paycheck. I remember wondering what would happen if my dad was killed on a firehouse run or they ever split up. How would she take care of five kids? Then and there I made a promise to myself that no matter what, I'd always be self-sufficient. No way would I allow my livelihood to be dictated by the financial generosity of my husband.

However, by the end of my first year in PR hell, I was ready to kiss off meetings; strategic plans; fundraising plans; action plans; pretentious corporate love-in plans; deadlines requiring two weeks of overtime and no fewer than eight bottles of Starbucks frappacinos to get through the nine-to-five grind. Let my aunt and other like-minded colleagues make the big bucks by working through dinner and answering e-mails before they released the first morning's pee. I had better things to do, like assume my future hubby would neither die nor leave me in the lurch and trust our combined salaries would be enough to keep us comfortable in middle class.

By that time, though, I was already halfway to completing a master's degree in writing, which, no worries, I'll just make enough moola to pay the loans off. That's the whole point of grad school, right?

But then I fell in loooove with a man who was smart and kind and funny and handsome and everything I was looking for. A man who happened to make less than me, which didn't matter until we started talking seriously about marriage and family and then I realized, holy crap, I don't want to work at all. I want to be a mother and I want to stay home, for reasons I've already stated here. And therein lies the problem.

Seeing as I've already committed the Frema-Useless Clutter household to a five-hundred-dollar monthly Sallie Mae payment for the next twenty-five years, my recent epiphany is a costly one, and I'm scared the education I've loved so much and been so proud of, the education that's not only made me a better writer but a better person, just might screw me out of accepting the only job that will ever really matter.

If I do have to work, I know there are options. I could go back to school and earn a teaching license, an idea I've tossed around since seeing my sister in action with her kindergarteners last year. I've also thought about high school guidance counseling and college admissions. (See a pattern here?) If I do have to work, there are certainly worse things in life than pursuing a career I could actually love.

But at what point does "have to" begin? If the ideal is for Luke to work while I raise our brood, what sense does it make to invest time and money into a career change, especially when we don't want to wait very long before trying for kids? On the other hand, who knows how long it'll take before we're successful? I've seen and heard tales from plenty of wonderful women who've struggled with infertility, and it's too early to tell whether or not we'll have issues of our own. If it takes years for me to have a baby, do I really want to spend that whole time in job limbo?

Which goal do I hang my hat on? What's the best way to balance living in the now and going after your dreams? And at what point do you realize it's time for plan B?

Anyone?

With Every Season, Turn, Turn And All That Jazz

My family is experiencing change.

A few of those changes are happily material. Take, for instance, my father's latest toy. With two daughters properly out of the house and married and Geo's high school commencement leaving just one more secondary education to fund, the man figured it was time for some fun. See all the fun?

Can I just say, how cute is my dad showing off his manly chicken legs and look-at-me-I'm-a-kid-in-a-candy-store grin? That smile is so contagious even my mother rides the darn thing, she who grips the interior door handle and slams the imaginary passenger brake while traveling to the local Jewel via Suburban. In return, my father graciously installed a sissy bar. The perfect picture of marital compromise.

Other transitions are also taking hold. Like, my mom's newfound desire for a tattoo bearing my father's name and Ryan's decision to leave Indiana University in order to pursue cosmetology at Mario Tricoci in Chicago. Her boyfriend, Jason, is also following suit but opting to join the Navy Seals instead. Samantha's husband, Dan, was offered a wonderful opportunity to teach at his old high school, the same place Geo just graduated from, with an equally wonderful pay raise. They plan on purchasing their first home next year.

As for me? I freaking just got married, people! If that's not enough for you, rejoice in the fact that Luke and I canoodled a partial refund from the gazebo to make up for the much lamented Mystery of the Missing Chairs, and Brenda's wrist has healed enough to allow her to resume her rightful place on Enve's cutting-room floor. My appointment is this Saturday, and if that doesn't add an extra skip in your step, I don't know what will.

On second thought, maybe I do--how 'bout sharing my decision to cease all hair coloring in the event a Mini Frema finds its way to my uterus? Not quite as earth-shattering as getting off the pill, but when you see pics of me sporting a crown o' brown in coming months, you'll know it relates more to protecting the health of my possibly unborn child and not so much questionable fashion endeavors. Seeing as I've gone ahead and surrendered my most precious, vain commodity, it only makes sense to stop drinking, too.

Already I'm the epitomy of motherhood.

Internet shout-out alert: Happy Birthday, Betty!

Twice The Drama Of An AMC Episode Minus All The Sex

So, after two glorious posts about wedding hoopla, I decided to drop off the face of the blogging earth. I've been reading your sites and commenting 'til the cows come home, but when it came to composing sentences for this here thing, I've been lost. Part of that's been due to Luke and I still working through "administrative" issues like bill paying, apartment cleaning, lease renewing, insurance subscribing, and name changing. However, it's also because this issue is once again plaguing my brain. And reading these entries--as well as the comments--have been wonderful signs that I'm not the only blogger confused as to how religion will function in my life.

What bothers me even more is WHY I've been so bothered: my "old-school Catholic" grandmother. Some of you might remember her as the one who scared me with Devil stories and sent my sister chastity literature for her 24th birthday. Now, she is also the woman who, according to reports from reliable sources (read: my sister Ryan), spread hurtful rumors that Luke and I were married in a pagan ceremony. As conservative Catholic as she is, though, I think her thoughtless comment has less to do with how we were married and more to do with not being invited to our wedding.

Some brief and possibly useless backstory: She and my parents had a falling out last year because she didn't believe in waiting to receive invitations for two-week visits from Arizona, and despite trying to keep the peace by sending her an invite to Samantha's wedding shower, I was still slammed with a three-page letter that tore my parents to shreds. If she was trying to get a rise out of us or instigate some sort of Family Hysteria, she picked the wrong granddaughter to air her dirty laundry to, because after relaying the letter's contents via phone to my parents, I did some shredding of my own. That's not the kind of heirloom you hope to pass along to your children, and anyway, I had more important things to worry about, like whether or not manicure sets were sassy enough prizes for Bridal Bingo and whose interests I was truly catering to when I selected the spinach dip appetizer.

After I had transformed her self-indulgent testimonial into a pile of confetti, I didn't give it another thought, except to think my grandmother was going out of her way to burn a lot of bridges, and the person really getting shortchanged in this scenario was Samantha, who'd had a great relationship with her until then, and maybe she would benefit from reacquainting herself with The Catechism of the Catholic Church, to search for the passage where it states writing hateful things about your son and daughter-in-law and sharing them with their oldest child via chicken scratch earned you free admission through God's pearly gates.

This year, when it came time to submit a guest list for my own shower, her name was purposefully absent. I had better things to do with my time then subject myself to more of The Crazy, and since she still hadn't contacted Samantha about her wedding, I figured she'd written us all off for good, anyway, so imagine my surprise when, a week before the shower, we heard my grandparents "just happened" to be in town. Curiouser and curiouser, as one Alice in Wonderland might say. But I refused to budge. For cripe's sake, her husband called Ryan on Christmas morning to send warm holiday greetings from her "ex-grandfather." I wasn't about to pretend all that $#@! and more never happened.

Seven days after writing about the big event, I received the following comment from an anonymous poster, probably my godmother, who told my father that if their mother wasn't invited to the wedding she would boycott it altogether, and who also played the starring role in that whole china incident:

Why was there a Grandmother leaving chicago, boarding an air plane in tears? Did it not seem odd that she just happened to be in chicago on this special day?

My answer somehow got lost in the deleting of "Anonymous's" post, kind of like the point of this entry, which was to originally talk about how badly my grandmother's remark hurt my feelings and how I've let her narrow beliefs color the plans Luke and I have for integrating our faith traditions in a way that'll provide a strong religious foundation for our family. However, I think it makes more sense to be honest with myself as to where these issues come from: my grandmother's and even the Catholic Church's viewpoint that worshipping God outside the perameters of Catholicism doesn't count--at least, not as long as you're Catholic--and my occasional, irrational fear they could possibly right. Luckily in those instances I recall the simple mantra our good pastor shared with us in our first premarital counseling session, "God can handle it," and remember that religion was created for God, and not vice versa. It's then that I experience peace.

I Can't Watch That Clip of Our Vows Without Crying A River.

Well, maybe not a river. But definitely a respectable puddle.

So, I'm back. And married! It only took twenty-six years.

As you can tell from the blogs of my nearest and dearest, the wedding day, it saw rain. Luke and I knew it was coming; at the rehearsal we were huddled together under the shelter of the gazebo, shivering, attempting to stay dry, giving up all hope that the sun would deem our firstborn child a worthy sacrifice for twelve minutes of cooperation. However, our wedding party was fantastic and agreed to proceed through the park as planned, so everyone could ooh and aah over their spiffy tuxes and dresses and I could savor the moment of walking down the aisle with my father. Equally fantastic was our paparazzi, who came armed with color-coordinated umbrellas for the ladies and a white sleeveless parka vest for me, the latter probably unintentional but they deserve the credit nonetheless. Mandy Meyers, if you haven't booked a photographer for your gig yet, call the Bellas. Really. Do it now. Just don't tell them Frema sent you, because they don't know who she is.

Seconds before this shot was taken, I was hissing in my father's ear, "They forgot to set up the chairs!" I'm currently torn over whether or not to call the park and complain. On one hand, since it was wet outside, I doubt our guests were expecting chairs, and even if they were set out, who would've wanted to sit in them? On the other hand, we paid two hundred and fifty-six dollars to rent the space, so dammit, gimme my effen chairs.

Despite all that, though, the ceremony was perfect; I felt it would be the minute my dad pulled into the parking lot. When I took my place on the bricks and spotted Luke for the first time, I knew with every fiber of my being that saying "yes" to this man was the best thing I'd ever done. And when I looked into his eyes as we exchanged our vows, I saw five years' worth of love fill his pupils and spill down his cheeks. He never looked more handsome.

Praying to God we make it past the first year.

There's nothing really poetic to say about the picture we took with our pastor; its primary purpose is to serve as a public service announcement to future brides who might assume stashing lip treatments in your dainty little bridal purse and leaving said purse in the back seat of your father's truck is sufficient, because when you're ushered from the ceremony straight into pictures with no lag time in between, you will think about your lipstick but ultimately be too chicken to put a halt to the festivities for five minutes to ask your dad to fetch it for you, as you can't stop imagining your guests tapping their feet and drumming their fingers in anticipation of your arrival with only a coffee bar to keep them company. Thus, you'll resort to coating your lips with the natural moisture of your tongue and hoping the photographer can Photoshop lip gloss. My recommendation? Chapstick in your bra, if not fastened to your wrist like a sassy charm bracelet. I guarantee you'll thank me.

Anyway.... The reception went just as well, even though the cake had pistachio icing instead of buttercream and people were too interested in the open bar to notice the pretty champagne fountain set up next to the entrance. Luke and I danced our first dance to "Someone Like You" by Van Morrisson, which I first fell in love with when I heard it in Prelude to a Kiss in the scene where Alec Baldwin is lamenting the sudden drastic change in his new wife and befriends a strange old man who strangely enough made a brief appearance at their wedding and also strangely enough knows the color of the undies Meg Ryan was wearing the night she left for a summerlong trip to Europe, or something, and Alec realizes that Meg is trapped in the decrepit body of one Archie Bunker. Those less cultured in Meg Ryan cinema may recognize it from the better-known Bridget Jones's Diary, when Mark Darcy tells Bridget he likes her just the way she is.

My father and I danced to "What a Wonderful World," during which he told me how beautiful I looked and what a great family I married into. Then he said it really was a wonderful world, held me tight, and started to cry. At the end he held up my hands and shouted, tears still streaming down his face, "This is my daughter!" It was the most magical moment I've ever had with my dad.

And now I'm verklempt. More to come later.

P.S. Thanks so much for all the lovely comments and e-mails this last week. If it weren't illegal, I'd marry each and every one of you.